Hey, it’s me. You know, the girl you hate? The girl who ruined your relationship? Yeah, I’m back again. But don’t worry, this time it’s to apologize. I know it’s far too late, and too much has happened for me to ever be able to say this to your face. But I have a lot to apologize for. So I guess now is as good of a time as any.
I met your boyfriend beginning of freshmen year. I came to this school with the “I don’t give a fuck” mentality and my behavior proved that. I met a handsome, sweet boy on the very first day of classes. That was not your boyfriend. That ended up being my boyfriend. And I understand now how shitty of a person I was, and that I have more than one person to apologize to. The truth is so many people got hurt by mine and Andrew’s relationship, but you most of all.
When I met your boyfriend, Andrew, I had no idea that he would mean as much to me as he did. I thought he was another boy at the fraternity party. I giggled when he kissed me, but teasingly pulled away. That night I slept in my guy’s bed. And that bullshit continued, and we felt careless and rebellious. When in reality, it was not our own lives we were most affecting.
I thought your boyfriend was perfect. He’s tall, funny, and always down for a good time. But as we slowly got to know each other, I realized he wasn’t someone to use and throw away. I respected him. And when he kissed me again, a month later, I rejected him. I did not want to risk him turning into a one night stand. He was angry, but he got over it. And as we became closer our attraction grew. I think we both knew it was a bad idea, but in some ways that made it better. There was a longing for him I didn’t have for the guy that I was actually in a relationship with, so I kept going back to Andrew.
The first time we had sex it was public knowledge. We hooked up in my best friend’s room, but denied it happening before sneaking away. At this point I had no idea you existed. I knew he had an ex. Then he admitted that it was off and on. To this day I’m not sure what you two really were at the time. But I’m not going to lie, it would not have mattered. I refused to see you as a person, let alone as a person who was being hurt by my actions. To me college was about having fun and not caring, and I was going to do that. I’m sorry for my selfishness.
I’m sorry that it lasted as long as it did. I remember the first day I met you. I’m sorry for considering you nothing more than a crazy ex who could not let go instead of a girl who loved him more than I could imagine. That was when it should have stopped. In that moment when you were no longer a distant entity, when you were someone who I knew. Someone who knew me. But it continued for another year. And I’m sorry that I thought the time I had with him meant more than the several years you two had dated.
I wish I could say that I did it because I felt like I loved him. Or wanted to be with him. Or even had feelings for him. But I didn’t. And I’m sorry you knew that. At the time it was a justification. I couldn’t understand why you were so jealous of me when I had no intentions of dating him. In my head, I was not “stealing him.” If he wanted to be with you he would have. After all, I wasn’t the only one he was seeing on the side, but you knew I was different. Now I realize that my casualness made it so much worse. I’m sorry you felt the need to compete for a guy who was already yours. Especially since it was with a girl who didn’t even want him. I’m sorry I had no real reason to do what I did other than I simply wanted to.
I’m sorry for ever making you insecure. I’m sorry if you ever questioned why you were not enough to make him loyal, because it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry that you felt the need to force him to stop talking to me. And I’m sorry that I hated you for that. I still love him as a person, and I still wish I could be in his life. But I understand why that cannot happen anymore. I’m sorry for considering my friendship with him more important than your relationship, and that I could not let him go. I’m sorry for screaming at him too, and that ultimately he would apologize and come back to me. I know that it would have put you at ease if he were able to just cut me out of his life, but he couldn’t. I know it hurt you every time you found out he had secretly unblocked me and that we were hanging out again, and I take responsibility for encouraging it.
He had told me that he needed to be a bad friend to me in order to be a good boyfriend to you. He admitted that he was unable to be around me and not cheat, and I didn’t respect that. I threatened our friendship, so he continued to talk to me behind your back. And he was right, we continued to hook up. And I’m sorry for making your worst fears come true.
I’m sorry that you had to drop out of school and uproot your life to move to our college town. I thought that after all that time you would give up on him, and that I could have my friend all to myself. But you didn’t. You gave up everything to make things work with him. I wish that I was able to tell you that you should be with someone who would do the same for you, but I’m finally learning that I have no place in your relationship. Or in your life at all.
I’m sorry that people still ask him about it, about me. That even though I try my best to avoid you both, the idea of me is still a presence. I’m sorry for any lingering feelings that come along with hearing my name or seeing my picture. You don’t deserve that. All I hope is that one day that changes. I would never ask for forgiveness, but I hope one day you can hear my name and feel nothing. That you can stop thinking of me as the girl who ruined your relationship. If you choose to stay with him I hope he treats you better. But if you do choose to leave him, I hope you find a boy who can turn down any girl’s advances. Because you are beautiful, smart, and important. But most of all, you are enough. I hope you both have amazing lives, completely free of me..
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