Dearest Non-Romantic Boyfriend,
I love you. Don’t worry, not in an “I want to make sweet, sweet love and then steal your favorite shirt” kind of way. No, we’re strictly platonic. Somewhere between the pure hookups, relationships, FWBS, and friend zones, we found each other. You needed someone to help you tie that bow tie and I needed the occasional arm candy for crush parties.
I know that you get a lot of crap from your brothers, from your mother, and from that girl that you’ve been talking to (she’s kind of a skank, swipe left). They don’t understand why we won’t date each other. They don’t understand how we can love and care about each other, but not be in love or attracted to each other. I’ll tell them how. You’re a shit head, that’s how. But nonetheless, you’re MY shit head.
I know your strengths, your weaknesses, and the fact that you once considered buying a clip-on tie. Don’t worry. We’ll keep that secret between us. You tell me that yes, my leggings see-through, and yes, I look a little ridiculous wearing that dress. I let you know that you need to be more sensitive when approaching the ladies and that you don’t always need to be so blunt about your number.
Your girlfriend hates me. She doesn’t believe that I’m not out to Taylor Swift-style snipe you. And my boyfriend hates you. He doesn’t believe that you don’t want to bang me, which by the way would be like having sex with a sibling. Don’t even get me started on our families. They didn’t have “just friends” back in their day. I’m truly sorry I bought you that crew neck before your mom did. I swear my intentions were honest! Try not to mind my father too much. I’m 79.2% sure he’s just kidding when he cocks his gun and asks why you’re hanging around me.
But despite what everyone thinks, I truly do value our friendship. You were there at 2am to take my call, because one of your brothers broke my heart. I took you out to dinner, because things ended on a rocky note with my one sister. I call you out on your BS, and you call me out on mine. At the end of the day, I don’t want your D. I just want your happiness.
So cheers to you non-romantic boyfriend. May we never awkwardly stare into each other’s eyes or develop feelings for one another, because this is one friendship I will truly cherish forever.