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An Honest Letter Of Recommendation

Honest Letter of Rec

To the recruitment chair, recruitment board, and active sisters of Delta Nu,

As an alumna of Delta Nu sorority, is with great pleasure that I recommend Samantha Tolin for membership. First and foremost, Samantha comes from a good family, with good values. Her mother stayed home to raise Samantha and her older brother, a senior in Gamma Rho, so she spent most of her days drinking wine, while planning charity events where she’d be able to drink more wine, but “for a cause.” I am confident with her mother’s upbringing, Samantha will have no problem incorporating alcohol and blackouts into any and all philanthropic events and social activities. It was also no accident that I mentioned Samantha’s older brother. He’s very protective of his little sister, and I’m confident he and his hot brothers will pop by the house of Samantha’s choosing frequently, mean it will be likely they will get friendly with Samantha’s sisters. This is important, because Gamma Rho has an extensive social budget, and you likely want to mix with them. Samantha’s dad is a hard-working man, who instilled in her a sense of entitlement, because he’s loaded.

In high school, Samantha participated in a slew of extra-curriculars, but don’t worry, nothing lame like chess club. She was on student council, but I promise it was only because she wanted to be on prom committee. She and the rest of the committee pretty much ignored and intimidated the rest of the council. In terms of athletics, she was a cheerleader, so Samantha is used to being better than her peers, so membership to Delta Nu would be a smooth transition for her.

She was also involved in a ton of community service throughout her high school tenure. She managed to find work like handing out water at 5k races, or babysitting her brother for free, that could easily be manipulated into looking like she did something really good, but mostly only involved socializing with her friends. This is perfect for membership to Delta Nu, as she understands the importance of being involved in the community, by mostly just showing face.

Samantha enjoyed a high GPA in high school as well as membership to NHS. She is naturally smart, but knows the value of the phrase “work smarter, not harder.” She is skilled in bullshitting papers and exams — a tool she learned early on in her education — and is always able to achieve A’s and B’s on any work that can be fluffed without a ton of information. She managed to find a boy whose math homework she could copy every year since 8th grade which shows she is very resourceful. She will easily be able to navigate the test bank, find bottom-tier boys to do her (and Delta Nu’s) bidding, and maintain a high GPA in school without sacrificing her social life.

Speaking of her social life, Samantha is very popular. Her peers regard her as “beautiful, but terrifying.” She gave her first hand job in ninth grade, so she’s not one to judge, but she’s only actually slept with one guy — her high school boyfriend. She will fit in perfectly with the sisterhood as she’s not too slutty, but not too prude. Samantha was also no stranger to partying in high school, so she’s got somewhat of a handle on her alcohol. She’s always down for a sloppy public makeout, but she’s not going to be the girl puking on the bar at a mixer, needing to be sent home from every event.

So you see, Samantha is the perfect candidate for measurement. Below I’ve attached to only part of this recommendation you actually care about, though, her photo.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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