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An Honest Application To Be Your Sorority’s House Mom

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Name: [Name redacted for legal purposes].

Age: I’m pretty sure this question is illegal. Not to mention, rude. Whatever. I’ll give you this: older than 20, younger than 30. K?

Current occupation: Self-proclaimed motivational speaker and part-time Oprah worshiper.

College major: I didn’t go to class a lot. But, uh…marketing or communications or fashion merchandising. I don’t know. Something like that. Probably.

Sorority: A good one. Frequently known on college campuses as: “I’m spoiled rotten,” “Visa Visa Daddy MasterCard,” and “I do a shit ton of coke.”

Career ambition: Housewife. And by “housewife,” I mean that I’d like to marry someone really old and really rich, who, preferably will die within our first year of marriage and leave me with his millions. It would be ideal that he not have children. Ugly legal battles over inheritance amounts aren’t really my thing. Like. I saw how that ended for Anna Nicole Smith. No, thank you. LOL. Amirite?

Do you have any children? Not that I know of. HA. Get it? Oh, wait. That joke only works if you’re a guy. No, I don’t have any kids.

Do you drink? Yes.

How many alcoholic beverages per week do you consume? Eek. This is a difficult one. I’d say, on average, I recycle anywhere from 9 to 21 bottles of Chardonnay a week. So. You do the math.

Do you smoke? Not according to my doctor. Also, is smoking in the house allowed? Like. If I kick it college style and light up with a window open and a fan going, we’re cool, right?

Have you ever done drugs? My lawyer requested that I not answer this question.

Have you ever been arrested? My lawyer requested that I not answer this question.

Have you ever had a restraining order taken out against you? My lawyer requested that I not answer this question.

How did you hear about this position? Well. I’m living in my parents’ basement and my longterm boyfriend of two Tinder dates just dumped me, so I’m kind of having what you might call a “full-on psychotic break with reality.” After three weeks of binge watching “Desperate Housewives” and “Snapped” on Netflix, I realized it was time to get my shit together and get a job. Unfortunately, after four years of railing lines and getting my nutrients from the limes in my vodka sodas, I realized that I’m not really…qualified to do anything? Except for partying — I’m definitely qualified to party. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure you have to be that new J.Crew size of 000 in order to get paid to drink at clubs, and, like, LOL to that. Like I said, I haven’t moved from my couch in three weeks. Also, my pores are looking extra gross these days. ANYWAY. My parents are pretty much driving me insane and I, like, NEED to get out of this house. Always thought I’d move from my parents’ house to my sorority house to my husband’s house…but #life happens. I’m down to move from my parents’ house to my sorority house back to my parents’ house and then to a random sorority house. At this point, I’m really not in the position to be turning down opportunities. Know what I mean?

What makes you an ideal candidate? My dealer still lives on campus.

How are you with conflict resolution? One time, my little, Jessie, slept with my ex-boyfriend. Instead of getting her kicked out, I just made sure that she was banned from Recruitment, socials, mixers, grab a dates, and wearing letters. Like. I’m a pretty forgiving person. So, I think I could definitely help the girls when they get in silly little fights. It’s really all about being understanding and listening to the other person. Also, Xanax helps.

Do you understand that there are no overnight guests allowed? Wait. What?

What is your greatest accomplishment? Um.

Describe yourself in three words: Fun. Dependent. Manic.

Are you willing to relocate to anywhere in the U.S. or Canada? Canada? Do I have to speak French? What do they speak there? OMG. This is stressful. Yo hablo no Espanol.

Why should you be picked as a House Mother? Because I quite literally am qualified for nothing else. Please. I need this.

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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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