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An All-Inclusive Guide To Drinking Games For People Who Suck At Drinking Games

Drinking Games

When it comes to drinking games, we all bring a different set of skills to the table. Some of us are God’s gift to the game and bring an Olympic skill level to the table, while others aren’t, and, well, don’t. So if you fall into the latter category like I do and you absolutely abhor games that require any sort of energy exertion, you’re in luck. Here are six ways to convince people you don’t suck at drinking games when you really do.

Have An Arsenal Of Obscenities
Always have a premeditated arsenal of obscenities at your disposal. Use them correctly and they will come in handy a lot. Why? Because swearing with ferocity makes you look super scary competitive to the point where people won’t even notice you actually suck. Miss a shot in beer pong? “GODDAMMIT!” Break the circle in kings? “ARE YOU SHITTING ME?” Hit yourself in the face while flipping the cup during flip cup? “WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK?”

Play The Blame Game
You should play the blame game wherever and whenever possible. Always accuse someone of cheating during a card game or flip cup and always call out “elbows” to someone on the opposite team during beer pong. Both act as a wonderful distraction from either A) your misunderstanding of the game, B) your athletic handicap, or C) both.

Talk About The Time…
You should always reference “that one time” at “that one place” when you did “that awesome thing” during a drinking game. Brag about it to anyone within earshot. Bonus points if you can get one of your sisters to say she was there. However, this story must be prepared well before the party even starts to eliminate any possible contradictions. Trust me, there’s nothing worse than telling a senior KA about how you beat Aaron Henry in beer pong last semester at one of their parties and having him break the news to you that, “there were no parties last semester because we were on social probation–and Aaron Henry graduated two years ago.”

Deadly Game Face
Sport a deathly serious game face at all times during the game. This will intimidate the fuck out of any girl you’re playing against, and it’ll make any guy you’re playing against think you’re super sexy. However, please note that it says “during the game,” and not “all night.” You don’t want to walk around the party for the rest of the night with a look on your face that reads, “talk to me and I’ll murder you and your kitten.” Definitely NS.

Don’t Actually Play
Don’t get it twisted. You don’t have to actually play the game to prove to people you don’t suck at it. Every time it’s your turn in beer pong, yell “GUEST SHOT!” and violently grab the arm of the person standing next to you. Or, when you’re playing flip cup, just stand at the end of the table with two empty cups turned over and celebrate with the winning team. And remember, the more rambunctious the celebration the better–the louder you are, the less anyone will want to question you.

Use Any Excuse In The Book
Probably the most important thing to do to convince people you don’t actually suck at any and all drinking games known to man is to make up the most random excuses possible. Some of my go-tos include: “I’m too drunk,” “I’m too sober,” “The light was in my eyes,” “My phone was vibrating,” “I didn’t shoot from my good side,” “The wind is coming from the northwest,” and “That eight looked like a king from here! Are you seriously gonna punish me for being legally blind?”

When in doubt, it’s better just to be upfront about it: you have the fine motor skills of a well-developed toddler. And that’s okay, too.

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com

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