An Alarmingly Accurate Ranking Of The Best Drunk Girl Foods

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Being a drunk girl is hard work. We spend a lot of time getting dressed up and creating the image of femininity only to chase it with multiple tequila shots and dirty dancing at a dark bar. Ultimately, at the end of the night, we only want one thing–drunk food. Not just any drunk food, though. Drunk girl food. There are a lot of things to consider when choosing. How am I going to feel about this in the morning? How much effort do I want to put into this? Am I going to look like I was entered into Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Challenge while eating? It’s a complex feat that we must conquer weekly, but fear not, weekend warriors. Here is a ranking of the best drunk girl foods.

13. Sandwich
Chances are, you’re going to order anything on the menu ending with “deluxe” and also get a side of curly fries and the largest diet soda they have to offer. While this may cure your hangover slightly, it’s inevitably going to be such a large meal that even an NFL player wouldn’t finish it. You, however, will finish it without a blink and then you’ll hate yourself slightly.

12. Chips And Salsa
It’s a pretty good snack and you can easily eat an entire container of salsa in one sitting. You won’t feel very satisfied, so you’ll most likely go on to eat something better.

11. Hot Dog Vendor
While these mysterious delicacies may be extremely appetizing while stumbling out of the bar at 2 a.m., the questionable vendors and the even more questionable food carts should be enough to veto this in any semi-sober mindset.

10. Burger
A burger is similar to a sandwich, except it’s a sandwich’s more successful brother who you wish you would have met first. With all that extra protein, you’re also guaranteed to lessen your hangover and need an extra 30 minutes on the elliptical.

9. Chips And Guacamole
Guacamole is delicious because it is easy to convince yourself that its healthy while binge eating. Added bonus, can easily be paired with any food imaginable. No really, try to think of something that tastes worse when guacamole is added.

8. Wings
While chicken wings are hands down the Holy Grail of snack foods, you look like you’ve been starved months in advance before eating them. There is no way to look even remarkably lady-like while devouring a food drenched in barbecue sauce.

7. Sweet Breakfast Food
Sweet breakfast dishes, like pancakes or waffles, are often forgotten when it comes to fourth meal. This is a shame because its a known fact that these are some of the tastiest dishes on the planet. Hot carbs covered in syrup? Sign up every drunk girl in a 20-mile radius. However, be cautious, all that sugar is going to be regretted in the morning. It may taste like heaven going down, but your head is going to feel like hell in the morning.

6. Mac and Cheese
Even though macaroni and cheese should be placed higher on the list, there is one very serious conundrum that comes with making this staple in late night cuisine. It takes for-ev-er to make and there is a 75% chance you are going to be a drunken fiasco in the kitchen and ruin everything. If you don’t end up making a bowl of cheese-covered, half-cooked noodles, you will ultimately eat the entire box in one sitting while watching a rerun of E! news and wearing your bar clothes with sweatpants over the top. Not a good look, but slightly delicious nonetheless.

5. Pizza
Back in ancient Italy, twelfth century drunk italian chicks would come home after a long night of partying and binge eat on pizza (probably) and not much has changed since then. It’s delicious, easy to order, and can be shared with as many people as you can fit into your living room. One dilemma with drunk pizza is that the quality that late of night can be questionable, but at your state of mind that usually is not an issue because you’re too busy deciding whether to order extra breadsticks or to make out with that possibly hot guy you brought home from the party.

4. Nutella On Anything
Not quite sure of the health benefits of Nutella but it’s the most delicious substance known to man so this one is a no brainer.

3. Chicken Fingers
One of the best perks of being a drunk girl is that it’s socially acceptable to eat like a child. Chicken fingers, while normally a corner stone in a young kid’s diet, are also a fundamental part in a wasted girl’s weekend plans. They are deep fried protein so you’re going to be able to take on the world in the morning and they encourage your indecisiveness in womanhood by using every sauce that a restaurant can offer. Virtually a win-win.

2. Savory Breakfast Food
While vastly different from sweet selection of breakfast foods, savor it’s breakfast options are full of protein to help basically make your expect hangover disappear. It’s also infinitely more delicious due to bacon, because bacon. Added bonus, besides being full items delicious, it’s full of protein to cure a hangover. May not be the best for you but it is full of “good” fats that makes you feel like you’re not filling your stomach full of fried deliciousness and cheese.

1. Taco Bell
Hands down, the best drunk food that you can eat after a night of debauchery. Full of questionable protein to curb you of your morning hangover, it is relatively easy to convince yourself that it’s good for you. For those of you watching your figure, you can even get one taco (doesn’t mean you will though) and still feel like you’re indulging in your favorite guilty pleasure. Congratulations, Taco Bell. You are the ultimate drunk girl food! Our drunken alter egos are forever grateful.

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Babe Lincoln

Babe Lincoln (@Babe__Lincoln) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."

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