Sex. I have it! You have it too, probably. And me? I’m a big fan. BIG fan. Huge. But not all positions are created equally. I’ve spent some time doing the research, so behold, my definitive ranking of all (of the normal) positions from worst to best.
Him Holding You
Oh, it all sounds so hot until you realize that you are a hippopotamus and your boyfriend is a pussy who can’t lift you. There’s nothing good about this position emotionally, unless you’re Ariana Grande dating a football player, and as I’m more like an Ariana Venti, I’d have to say pass.
It’s all the bad parts of doggy with none of the good feelings. Your view is this dude’s dresser. His view is your ass scrunching up. You have to do all the work, and oh, fucking yeah. It always slips out. No one has ever successfully reverse cowgirled for more than three minutes without slippage in the history of ever.
Two Legs Over Your Head
The only reason this isn’t dead fucking last is because other people like it and I’m a woman of the people. But truthfully, nothing makes you feel more like a fuck doll than having all of your motor functions completely deactivated, while you gather your belly fat AND your thigh fat in the same space, and let some giant man penetrates you. Not a good enough reason to use the word penetrate? Fuck you. In this position.
What kind of Olympic acrobat do you think I am? You are taller than I am, sir. I selected you that way on purpose. So this, logistically, makes no sense. It’s just a bad balancing act with your head accidentally slamming against the wall, and no sheets to grab onto in sight.
Spooning’s alright for when you don’t really feel like having sex, but figure you’ll toss him a bone. Or let him toss you a bone. Whatever. You don’t have to do much, and you really don’t have to pay attention, and the feeling from behind is usually pretty good. However, we’ve got another case of pretty serious slippage if this continues, and the second time “it falls out,” he’s going to make you switch things up and actually put in work.
One Leg Over Your Head
It’s the simplicity of missionary, turned up a notch. You’re not as restricted as you are with two legs over your head, but you still definitely forfeit ~control~ to the man. It’s alright if you’re a gymnast or some other type of flexible creature, but you can’t do this from start to finish or you WILL pull something.
A+ on the feeling. It’s real good. And you get to feel like your man is a man, taking charge. Plus you don’t have to look at his face! The downfalls, of course, are that you quite literally are fucking like an animal, your wrists eventually start to hurt, and, uhh, he’s looking at your butthole.
Just like doggy, but you’re leaning over a bed, or a dryer, or a sink, or something else. All the good that comes with doggy, and the bad is pretty much eliminated. Plus, if you’re in this position, you’re probably not in the bedroom, so you feel like a badass.
Missionary catches so much heat, but honestly, it’s a classic for a reason. Not too exciting, but it gets the job done. Really hard to mess this one up. Plus you don’t have to do much! Closer, for sure.
I don’t know the real name of this position, and I’m aware that this take is pretty weird to have toward the top, but let me explain. It’s basically like doggy, except you’re laying down completely on your stomach (like you’re dead!) and he comes at you from behind. Sorry, but this is great. First of all, it usually starts with a massage, which is how you ended up on your stomach, ignoring him to begin with. Plus, sex from the back is always better. Plus, plus, you literally don’t have to do anything except give yourself a reach around, and maybe grind into him if you feel like it. 10/10 would recommend to a friend.
Girl On Top
You know when you’re having sex and he starts doing crazy shit that makes no sense, and you’re like “please stop. You are ruining this. Just let me do it myself”? If you’re on top, he literally can’t ruin it. You’re in control. You don’t have to rely on him to figure out what works. You just do it. Sure, you miss out on getting to be submissive, but I’d take an orgasm I made for myself over a jackhammer session from hell with him in control ten times out of ten.
Get that mother fucker in a chair, and go to town. It’s like girl on top, but you can get deeper, AND he can’t really look at your stomach. Experts will hold onto your shoulders and pull you into him. ‘Tis clutch.
But this is all just one girl’s opinion. I mean, it’s the right opinion, but one girl’s nonetheless..
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