After A Long String Of Assholes, My Nice Boyfriend Is Freaking Me Out

After A Long String Of Assholes, My Nice Boyfriend Is Freaking Me Out

I am so used to dating the absolute worst kind of garbage imaginable and I have kind of become so accustomed to it that I don’t know how to date anyone else. Basically, if you are not well adjusted to this world I will fall completely and utterly head over heels for you. I even went through a phase where I only dated stand up comedians which just meant a bunch of skinny white dudes with big egos and some version of what they think is an acceptable rape joke. But somewhere after the two-year mark, I always snap out of the scrub-induced trance and run the fuck for the hills. It happens like clockwork, every time. Except now I’ve started dating someone completely normal and I am pretty sure I am losing my mind.

I realize that this makes me sound like a complete idiot and I think that is a fair assessment. I just feel very accustomed to the chaos of a dysfunctional boyfriend. I’m used to him accusing me of cheating and telling me he loves me in the exact same text. Once, a guy I was dating didn’t even use toothbrush. Another time, an ex asked me if you put canned tuna in the microwave. But this guy? He doesn’t do that. It helps that he isn’t a comic. He is a well adjusted grown ass adult with a real job. I don’t have to fight to be the funniest person in the room. He has his own friends and they do dude stuff like brew beer together. Every week, he hosts a dudes night. I could say that I am #blessed.

But instead I am struggling to be a normal person myself. Every normal thing he does leaves me baffled. He pays for our dates instead of asking me for money. Once, he held the door open for me. He doesn’t live with his parents. Or ask me for things like an “open relationship.” Maybe I dated these other losers because it made me seem like a functioning adult. If you put me next to a complete mental case, I clean up pretty nicely. But when you put me up next against this wonderful but basic af dude, I’m just a girl that binges Netflix at her parents’ house all day. For free.

Don’t get me wrong, ladies, go for that guy who wears a camo hat sometimes (but not always) and dresses like Luke Daines. Go for the dude who will spend $60 on sushi just because you want some. Go for the dude who has dogs because men with cats are weird. Don’t be like me who once dated a guy for two years and he wouldn’t even go down on me. Don’t underestimate the power of a basic dude. They are kind and wonderful and may or may not understand what the confederate flag really means. Some of them will surprise you. But date the shit out of them because they don’t cause any extra trouble, unlike my crazy angry ex telling everyone about my (alleged) massive collection of dick pics…as if I wasn’t immensely proud.

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If I can't be buried with my dick pics then I don't wanna die.

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