Adult Sleepovers Are Great Until He Decides To Actually Touch Me When I’m Trying To Sleep

Adult Sleepovers Are Great Until He Decides To Actually Touch Me When I'm Trying To Sleep

The “adult” sleepover, more commonly referred to “Netflix and Chill” these days, could quite possibly be one of my favorite pastimes. You get to lay on the couch, drink wine, eat pizza, in your sweatpants, and make out with someone you are at least 50% attracted to during the boring scenes. And the sex scenes. And any scene really.

I’m down with the adult sleepover. It can cure your lonely nights and boredom because you cannot go more than three hours without some sort of male attention. What I’m not down with, is the dude trying to touch me when I’m trying to fucking sleep. Do not touch me. When I’m trying to sleep. You know what I’m talking about, ladies. Cuddling is cool, as long as the guy showers regularly and doesn’t have bad breath just breathing steadily into your ear for three hours. Cuddling can release endorphins. And cuddling can also lead to super fun times. But when the princess needs her beauty sleep, get the fuck off of me. I can’t get that much needed, ten full hours of sleep when the man beast is breathing fire down the back of my neck. I get it, he’s trying to turn me on. But all guys should know that when you’re tired, YOU’RE TIRED. And nine times out of ten I’m taking a good night’s sleep over some average dick.

When sexual tension is rising, it’s hard to sleep, especially for guys, whose sexual tension rises when they come in contact with any walking thing that has a vagina. A Venus Fly Trap waiting patiently on its prey (as long as it doesn’t interrupt my sleep). They say slow and steady wins the race. Well slow and steady also puts me to sleep and really irritates me. If the dude wants to make a move, make a freaking move. There isn’t one thing that annoys me worse than when you are cuddling and the guy wants to make sure you are awake by any means possible. He breathes directly on the back of your neck really freaking loudly. He twitches. He moves his hand. Ten minutes later, he moves his hand again. He runs his feet up and down your legs. All just to ensure that you respond with a corresponding twitch, move of hand, hair toss, etc. so he knows you are awake, and the possibility of an orgasm is still within reach.

Before you know it, two hours go by and you think you’ve felt this guy twitch so many times that you might need to check his pulse just to make sure he hasn’t gone into cardiac arrest. Now what good does this cuddle-athon accomplish? I’ve just wasted two hours of my hard earned comatose because this guy is way too much of a pussy to make an actual move but wants to be on top of me without all the perks that come with actually being on top of me. I know this is a nightmare for all of us sleeping beauties out there, so just lay down some ground rules right before you go to sleep. I, most commonly, like to put it bluntly.

“We can cuddle for 45 minutes. If we have not started heavily making out by the end of that 45 minutes, you roll on your side, I’ll roll on my side, and don’t even think about touching me again until morning. Thanks.”

Ten times out of ten, he’ll start making out with you right then and there, and you, and your full night’s sleep lived happily ever after.

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