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A Typical Conversation Between A Member And A PNM: What They Say Versus What They Mean

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Member: “So, how is recruitment going?”
Haven’t I talked to this chick already? Christ, they’re all starting to look alike.

PNM: “It’s going pretty great! The days are sort of hectic, but I’m having a lot of fun.”
I’m fucking exhausted. They’ve been herding us around like cattle for three days now and I haven’t gotten any sleep. I barely had time to straighten my hair this morning, and I’m 90 percent positive I forgot to put on deodorant. I really hope you can’t tell.

Member: “The week will go by pretty fast. No worries.”
This is going to be the longest week of your fucking life. I still haven’t emotionally recovered from my rush week, and that was three years ago.

PNM: “Your house is beautiful, by the way!”
This house is pretty mediocre, and it kind of smells like soup…but I really want you to like me.

Member: “Thanks! It was renovated a few years ago.”
“A few years ago,” as in 1978. This house is old as shit and Nationals won’t give us any funds.

PNM: “I didn’t expect all the houses to be so beautiful! I bet living in one is awesome.”
Seriously, did someone here make soup recently?

Member: “Living in the house is great. It’s so nice to be with so many sisters. How is your dorm?”
There is waaaay too much estrogen here. I’m constantly on the verge of knocking out a bitch. At least I’m not in a dorm, though. That shit sucked.

PNM: “It’s pretty cute! It’ll be nice living so close to class.”
My dorm is fucking hideous, and the bathroom looks like something you’d see in a “Saw” movie. Months of browsing Pottery Barn magazines really distorted my expectations. At least I’m just a block from that frat I’ve had my eye on.”

Member: “Do you like your roommate?”
There’s no way you actually like your dorm. Dorms suck. Having a fun roommate can help the situation, though.

PNM: “She seems okay. We don’t have a whole lot in common.”
I really fucking hate my roommate. She looks like shit run over twice, and last night I caught her stealing my Oreos. What kind of monster steals another girl’s Oreos?

Member: “Freshman year will go by so fast, though. You’ll hardly ever see her.”
Wow, you totally fucking hate your roommate, don’t you?

PNM: “I’m so excited to get started!”
I can’t wait until this week is over so I can start drinking heavily and doing all the things I promised my mother I’d never try.

Member: “Do you like your schedule?”
Are you actually planning on studying? We’re trying to boost our GPA, and I’m pretty sure you’re only thinking about partying…not that I blame you.

PNM: “Yeah, my schedule is awesome. My classes seem a little hard, but I’m ready for it.”
Shit, I dunno. I’m only thinking about partying.

Member: “It’ll probably be a bit of an adjustment for you, but I’m sure you’ll get the hang of college classes pretty quickly.”
Damn, bitch. You have absolutely no idea what you’re in for.

PNM: “What’s your favorite part about college?”
I need to change the subject. I also want you to think I give a shit about your life.

Member: “Definitely being in a sorority. We have a really great sisterhood, and Greek life really opens up a lot of opportunities.”
There’s a great bar downtown that has 75 cent wells on Thursdays. You’ll learn to appreciate the concept of getting drunk off a few bucks in due time, young grasshopper.

PNM: “It sounds really great. I don’t know too many people here, so it’ll be nice to meet other students.”
The only people I’ve talked to are the girls whose last names are close to mine in the alphabet, since I’ve basically spent the past three days standing in an alphabetical line. Oh, and the Jimmy John’s delivery guy.

Member: “I didn’t know anyone when I came to college, either. You’ll make friends quickly.”
Actually, a lot of my friends from high school came here, too, but I feel weird saying that and making you feel like a total loser. I guess it’s best to just lie so we can avoid an uncomfortable situation.

PNM: “I hope so. I think being in a sorority would definitely help me meet more people.”
Hint, hint: please give me a bid.

Member: “Definitely! There are also a lot of campus organizations you can get involved in. That’s another great way to meet people.”
Nice try.

PNM: “I can’t wait for football games. They sound so awesome.”
Tailgating sounds insane. I’m so down to get shitfaced in a sundress.

Member: “Yeah, they’re great. Home games are so much fun.”
Totally see where you’re going with this, and I’m definitely picking up what you’re putting down. THANK GOD–I see a sister coming to replace me. I need a break so badly. My cheeks feel like shit from faking a smile.

PNM: “It was so nice talking to you!”
Shit, you’re getting replaced already. I’m kind of stressing now. I probably should have talked more about my extracurricular activities. Or at least made up some impressive achievement to brag about.

Member: “You too! I hope the rest of your week goes well!”
I already forgot your name. Was it Rebecca? Let me check your name tag without being too obvious. Oh right, it’s Kaitlin. Whatever. I’m too tired for this shit. 

PNM: “Thanks, you too!”
You totally just checked my name tag. I’m getting cut, aren’t I? Or is that a good sign? Fuck it, I give up. Recruitment blows.

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Lucky Jo

Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.

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