7:40 PM: Fuck, I have to be there in twenty minutes. Is it too late to cancel?
7:58 PM: Okay, why are there so many toys in the driveway? Is this the aftermath of Katrina?
8:05 PM: Damn that dad is hella fine, I’ll have to send some snapchats of their framed family photographs.
8:10 PM: Byeeee, parents. Yeah- I’ll be sure to “call if I need anything.” Like your wifi password. Or the location of your Nyquil. Or to see if you’re ever coming home.
8:11 PM: Oh perfect, these kids have more energy than a power plant.
8:13 PM: Should I tell you now or later that your life is going to be turned upside down in about ten years? I’m so sorry.
8:14 PM: Ugh, no she’s the most innocent human. Too bad she will be doing body shots and buying Plan B soon enough!
8:15 PM: OMG how have I only been in this residence for fifteen minutes. They better pay me well.
8:30 PM: Of course you want to play hide and seek.
8:45 PM: Ugh, can’t we all just take a group nap, or nah?
9:00 PM: No, we’re not going to jump from the upstairs balcony onto the couch. World’s easiest way to the hospital. Even though it was fun when I was little.
9:05 PM: Where is all the kid food I was promised to have access to?
9:09 PM: Yeah, please show me everyyyything you got for Christmas. And complain about what you didn’t get.
9:10 PM: Like an Apple Watch? How do you even know what that is? You’re eight.
9:11 PM: Spoiled brats.
9:12 PM: Jk, you’re kind of adorable.
9:15 PM: Are these kids doing lines of Addy in their basement jungle gym? How do they still have this unstoppable energy? If I had this kind of energy, I would have a Masters by now.
9:16 PM: Actually, I would probably be dead, because this makes me want to drink. Everything makes me want to drink though, so that’s not saying much. Can I drink here? Do you think they counted their beers and marked their wine bottles before they left? Wait, where are the kids?
9:20 PM: Okay, Kingpin, what part of “no” do you not understand. Stop trying to find any possible way around what I just said “no” to. I bet your parents tell you all the time that you should be a lawyer. They probably think it’s cute.
9:25 PM: I do not get paid enough for this. Okay, five more minutes of this Disney show. When did these Disney girls start looking 25? I miss Lizzie McGuire. I miss pre-tooth adjustment Hilary Duff. I wonder what she’s up to these days.
9:30 PM: Okay, I’m going to try and put them to bed early. Are they old enough to know what time it is? Can they read clocks? If not, you definitely do not need an Apple Watch gal pal. Cannot believe she wanted one for Christmas.
9:40 PM: I do not give a single shit if your mother lets you have a cookie before bed, Sally. Do I look like your mother? No. Although I would get with your dad, if he were single and a few years younger. Eh, maybe not even a few years younger. Oh God, I’m going to hell. Their mom is so nice.
9:45 PM: I said it before and I’ll say it again, no goddamn cookies or miscellaneous sugary snacks before bed. It’s not like you need it. Just kidding, you weigh like ten pounds. I’d eat five sleeves of cookies if I were you.
9:50 PM: Okay, Cinderella is the story choice. I can deal.
9:59 PM: OMG, I forgot how that story goes down. Should I tell her now that boys are terrible and that glass slippers are the absolute most uncomfortable? And that if you leave something at a boy’s house overnight, you absolutely will never see it again?
10:01 PM: No, she did not just say she wants to marry a prince. Get in line, champ. Ugh. Maybe fairytales ruin young girls’ ambitions. Another one bites the dust.
10:06 PM: She’s so innocent, I won’t ruin her life by dashing her dreams yet. But I might tell her that her whispy blonde hair will soon be dishwater blonde and she will spend her life wondering “Am I turning brassy?” and will forever be left asking her stylist to re-create her childhood princess blonde locks. Speaking of, I really should make a hair appointment.
10:05 PM: Omg, all my strength has been used up getting you into bed. How much water do you need, you damn camel? By the way, the “glass of water before bed” trick is super old. Can’t you come up with another excuse to send me on a useless errand?
10:10 PM: Did she just tell me I’m pretty and that she wants to be me when she grows up?! Okay, goodnight sweet angel.
10:15 PM: That’s it. I’m exhausted and never want to be a parent. I think these children have figured out how to suck my energy and use it as their own.
10:30 PM: Oh good, you’re home! No of COURSE I don’t mind that you’re 30 minutes late. I am here to serve you and your hot husband. That’s why I was put on this Earth.
10:33 PM: Okkkkkayyy, the awkward handing-a-wad-of-cash to me as I leave. Bye, see ya never! P.S. Your daughter’s future is being molded by false hopes of fairytales and based on your seven-year-old son’s never-ending energy, he might have a drug problem! Enjoy suburbia!.