Perrie:OMG, TELL ME YOU’RE AWAKE.
Perrie: The video is out. Did you see it?
Calvin: Link me.
Perrie: Are you dying?
Calvin: Hold up. I’m watching
Perrie: Okieeeee. Hurry.
Calvin: Well, at least we know Zayn can walk. Because that’s what a third of the video is. I timed it. It was over a minute of him just walking at the beginning.
Perrie: And then she walks!
Calvin: But not for that long. Her real talent only comes in walking all over people, not down hallways.
Perrie: Can we, for a moment, if we may, discuss the “distraught” hotel scenes.
Calvin: Oh, you mean, where he throws a single bottle, and a random lamp, and she pretends to aggressively scream-masturbate in lingerie?
Perrie: I ALWAYS masturbate in lingerie when I’m sad-mad.
Calvin: Of course. What else would you do?
Perrie: Also, can we just…
Calvin: Sweet Jesus.
Perrie: Did she pull that move in bed?
Perrie: You fucked this.
Calvin: I’m embarrassed.
Perrie: Ugh, trust me, I’d love if Zayn looked like a fool in this, but he looks good.
Calvin: He’s a fucking tool, Perrie. He has an earring. And he just wants to keep calling your name until you come back home.
Perrie: Yes, guys normally want to give up international supermodels for their mildly famous exes.
Perrie: I’m serious, Cal. I can’t help it. You don’t want your ex-fiance moving on with anyone, ever. Like I just assume I will move on with my life, and my exes will live forever in a moment where they’re in love with me, and think of me as the one that got away. I don’t think it’s SO much to ask that they have zero emotional development after we part ways.
Calvin: I’m sure he still cares about you.
Perrie: Why did it have to be Gigi?! She’s like the number one “it girl” in Hollywood right now.
Calvin: Which, I’m personally thankful for, since it means I hear Taylor’s name less.
Calvin: JK. Kind of.
Perrie: Long live Kim Kardashian West.
Perrie: UGHHHH. I don’t know why I’m being so obsessed with this right now.
Calvin: Because you were in love with him, and you’re hurt, and his success, a little bit, upsets you, because you were supposed to be the best thing in his life. Trust me, I get it.
Perrie: No, I know you do.
Calvin: Chin up. Bad people eventually get what’s coming to them. Remember who made that bitch famous. And besides. You’re hot, and you’re talented. You’ll bounce right back.
Perrie Ugh. Love you..
To read last week’s text conversation between Rachel McAdams and Amanda Seyfried after finding out Lindsay Lohan was converting to Islam, click here.