A Tale of F*ckboys and Snapchat

F*ck boys

Heather’s phone buzzed from the top of her white dresser, as a text momentarily paused Adele’s “25”, which was softly playing from her Bose iPhone dock. She uncrossed her legs and delicately stood, careful not to smudge the double coat of black nail polish that she had just finished applying to her nails. So what if her mother would make her remove it for Thanksgiving in less than a week? She was in a bad mood and she didn’t care who knew it. Secretly hoping that the message would be Chris miraculously apologizing for ghosting earlier in the week, she couldn’t help but feel annoyed seeing “Baby Ash” on the screen instead. And when she read “mixer w Tri Beta tonite!! EYES W HEARTS” in their pledge class group text, it took everything in her not to smack her new Rose gold iPhone against her light blue bedroom wall. She settled instead for hurling it at her bed, where it harmlessly bounced off of a pillow and landed on her crisp white duvet.

She turned the Adele off in favor of Future, and threw open her closet doors with gusto. If there was going to be a party at Chris’ frat, she would just have to find an outfit that was the perfect mix of I-pay-my-rent-with-ones and I’m-having-lunch-with-your-mother-tomorrow. Easier said than done.

As Heather flipped through crop top after crop top, Chris popped the tab of a can of beer and sat back with satisfaction, as the Miller Light’s crack and fizz faded into the background, and “Sorry” by Justin Bieber once again took center stage. “Dude, I don’t even care if Bieber is for chicks, he’s been makin’ some fuckin’ bangers lately!” He exclaimed from his seat on a suspiciously stained couch to the three guys who were sitting on equally-questionable furniture crammed in the room, all in various states of pre-pregame inebriation.

“Yeah, it’s not bad”, Porkers commented through a spoonful of uncooked split pea soup, dished straight from the can. “And you already KNOW Selena let him in the backdoor as soon as she heard it.” As the boy’s laughter died down, Grant changed the subject.

“Chris, how excited are you for tonight?” he asked innocently, knowing fully well that their party was with Heather’s house. Chris laughed along with the others, as Porkers made his trademark lewd hand gesture. Thankfully, his mom called him and he was able to dodge the question, using one hand to answer the phone and the other to flip Grant the bird before walking into the hallway to talk.

Upon finishing the phone call, Chris returned to the room, where the boys had forgotten about Grant’s question and were engaged in a heated debate on whether the transfer Chi Beta was comparable in hotness to Nikyee Heaton. They looked at Chris expectantly, and he settled the score easily, “Yeah, she’s hella bad for a normal girl but dude she’s honestly just good at filters. No way she’s that hot in real life.” They conceded that this was probably true as Chris sent an artful Snapchat of his manly Ugg slippers and icy beer with a snowflake emoji and ‘tis the season’ caption to the first ten people in his Best Friends list without a second thought.

Heather was mid-sip of her second glass of Moscato when she glanced at her phone for the first time since she had started getting ready. She opened Chris’ snap with disdain, letting her roommates know just how audacious she thought that it was for him to be snapping her after neglecting to reply to her text earlier in the week. Covertly, she replied with a picture of her wine glass, angling her phone to make sure that her fresh manicure was in the shot as Ashley looked on, trying not to roll her eyes. Heather set her phone down and unscrewed a tube of mascara to apply an unnecessary final coat; unaware that Tracy had also been on the receiving end of Chris’ seasonal Snapchat.

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A native Seattleite and self-proclaimed Snapchat queen, she's been a coffee addict since she found out what a coffee bean was. Believer in and promoter of the #freeguac and #freegucci movements. She is obsessed with all things Harry Potter and has been known to stop people at parties to tell them how to remove the wine from their clothes. In her spare time, she enjoys baking, writing for TSM, and pretending like she has her act together. Hit her up @

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