A Straight Male Bestie Is Better Than A Gay Bestie

Straight Best Friend

We heard from Randall Knox, who said if you want a gay bestie, you might be a bigot, and then we heard from TSM’s gay bestie, Stefon, about why gays love being the gay bestie. We also witnessed the mounting sexual tension between Knox and Stefon: Why did Knox leave his shorts at Stefon’s? Why haven’t they seen each other in six months? Did it end badly? Why do we call Knox by his last name? Why is Stefon the best gay bestie since Stanford Blatch? All great questions, dear readers, none of which I have answers to.

Unfortunately for me, I do not currently have a GBF. Sure, I have gay friends, but not one close enough to snuggle and watch “Sweet Home Alabama” with me while shoveling in Ben & Jerry’s. I had one in high school and we gossiped about how Kristen’s boyfriend got into private school and whether or not Melissa was really fucking serious about dying her hair while our English class discussed “Beowulf.” But, as it often happens with high school friends, we grew apart.

What I do have is a great group of straight guys who I am so lucky to call my best friends. They aren’t fabulous or sassy. They think camo is fashionable. They are definitely not into playing hide the pickle with another guy, and they only act flamboyant in a sarcastic manner–generally while making fun of me. Despite their shortcomings, they do everything a best friend should do. Having a crappy day? They’re always down for a happy hour pick-me-up. Broken heart? They’ll threaten to beat the kid. Need advice? They’re full of it. Straight guys actually do make the best friends, despite what you may have heard.

They Give The Best Guy Advice

If you want advice on how to paint the nails on your right hand, then you’d ask the girl who has about 300 bottles of nail polish. When you’re having trouble with citations, you ask your English major friends. So why not ask guys when you’re having guy trouble? They have no problem telling you that you’re being a fucking psycho and that it’s really okay that your beloved hasn’t texted you back after five minutes. Also, they know all the tricks in the book, which means they can easily tell you when you’re being played.

As girls, we want to truly believe that guy who transferred is texting us after months of no contact because he misses us. That’s when the straight best friend swoops in with a nice, huge dose of reality and lets you know that he’s just texting you because he’s probably planning a visit soon and he wants to secure a hookup for the night. You’ll say that he’s wrong, and he’ll sip his beer and shrug, knowing he’s right. And then transfer guy will come visit, you’ll have an adult sleepover, and he won’t text you for another six months. Doesn’t it suck when men are right?

They’re Okay At Regular Advice, Too

It’s a scientific fact that men’s and women’s brains are just wired differently. We all know it, but neither sex can actually understand why we’re so different. While this can be the cause of many fights and tiffs, it’s also an opportunity to get a fresh perspective about anything. Should you take the job? Should you move out? Should you change your major? While their life advice might not always be true to what you need, often times they give a side or perspective that you had never even thought of before.

They’re Not Catty

Let’s be clear. Guys are just as gossipy and filled with drama as girls are–they just deal with it differently than girls do. Instead of talking behind other people’s backs, talking shit, and being extraordinarily bitchy about drama, they (for the most part) confront each other and fight it out. If they have a problem with you, you will know it. They don’t pretend to be nice to your face then talk behind your back about how dumb and annoying you are. In a world of sorority politics and girl world bullshit, this is so refreshing. They don’t sweat the small stuff, either. Sure, they’ll give you shit for doing stupid stuff, but that’s just them messing around with you. Unless it’s serious, they move on with a simple “oh shit, I’m sorry!” Accidentally drink the last of their beer? Offer to buy the next case or round, but be prepared to get shit on for it. The best of guy friends will treat you, for better or for worse, like one of the guys.

They Have More Straight Friends

Excuse my bragging for a second, but my guy friends are the most amazing people. They’re sweet and sarcastic, hilarious and caring. I trust them with my life, and they trust me with theirs. We’re so close and we’ve all friend zoned each other to no end. I laugh and cringe at the thought of being anything other than friends with these guys, because I know them all too well. However, luckily for me, they have some awesome friends–some of whom are very good eye candy.

Your straight guy best friend will have countless other dudes he hangs out with, which is great for you. You already know that the people he keeps company with are similar to him, because why else would he bother being friends with them? You have an “in” because he’ll introduce you and brag about how awesome you are to his friends. The only downside is that you can never expect him to choose between his friend and you, so don’t even bother trying to put him in the middle of any of your conflicts. Avoid dragging him into any of your fights, and don’t be a serial dater of his friends. He’ll think you’re using him, and you can say goodbye to that friendship.

All in all, a straight guy best friend is the best thing a girl can have. He’ll be the big brother you never had (or always wanted) and every girl needs that. Of course, he’ll never replace your best girl friends, but he’s not looking to do that. If you’re ready for a friendship without bullshit, get a guy best friend immediately.

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Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. and Post Grad Problems. A born and raised Maryland girl, she's obsessed with the Baltimore Ravens, Old Bay, and anything that has the Maryland flag pattern on it. She's a newly retired student-athlete and sorority girl, but not quite ready to call herself an adult, especially since she still has to be carried out of bars. With a Long Island in hand, she's ready for whatever life is throwing her way. Maybe.

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