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A Sorority Girl’s Guide to Surviving Finals

Ah, December. It’s officially baking season, crafting season, and….oh. Final exam season. Good grades are a vital part of being in a sorority and achieving your ultimate goal of snagging a husband. Let’s face it, no doctor/lawyer/politician in training wants to marry a dumb broad, no matter how nice your ass is or how amazing your sandwiches are. Although your mind is elsewhere for most of the semester (like matching your bag, boots and scarf every day), it is possible to get through finals without having a nervous breakdown and with grades Daddy will be proud of (now would be a perfect time to e-mail him that Christmas list).

First, be proactive and take good notes throughout the semester. Unless it’s homecoming week, you’re too hungover, or you made a nail appointment that day, go to class. It’s much easier to stay on top of your work during the semester than to cram at the end of it. Plus, you never know when some guy might want to borrow your notes and then buy you things/ask you to date party/marry you as a thank-you.

Next, I have two words for you: TEST BANK. I shouldn’t even have to tell you this. It’s purpose is to ensure our superiority over GDIs by giving us an academic edge on top of our already obvious financial and social advantages. Use it, and borrow old papers and notes from older sisters who have taken the course. They chose your chapter, so they’re obviously like, really smart.

If it’s not already, now adderall is your best friend. One 20mg XR and suddenly, you understand and are actually FASCINATED by stupid bullshit like the War of 1812 or theories of cognitive development. And after 8 hours of nonstop studying you might even feel compelled to go on a casual five mile run, clean the entire sorority house, and bake ten batches of cookies from scratch! But don’t worry. You won’t want to eat them afterwards.

Make nice with your professors. This works every time because we’re naturally adorable, sweet and manipulative, but it works especially well if your professor is a man. Go to office hours and ask him to review your study guide. If you accidentally did your hair and full makeup for an 8:00 am appointment with him, so be it. If he can’t keep his eyes off your perfectly pushed-up cleavage? Not your fault.

And when the tests are over and the papers are handed in there’s only one thing left to do… Pour yourself a glass of wine, take a long nap, then wake up and get ready to party like it’s Winter Break 2011. You deserve it.

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