Snow days are God’s gifts to college students. They’re little reminders of sanity and they give hope to those who are already inundated with work from evil professors, or have yet to start their senior seminar research projects. They’re one of the few things that you love as a child and worship as a college student.
Apparently, “responsibility” for some people isn’t something that stops when classes are canceled, which is news to me. These “responsible” people use snow days for things like “doing laundry” or “catching up on work,” which is the biggest waste of a snow day. It literally brings tears to my eyes knowing that people are abusing these golden opportunities by being real life people and doing real life things. Snow days are a time to gather with friends, go on adventures, and get stuck in snowbanks. So if the thought of doing something productive entered your mind at all during a snow day, slap yourself and uncork that wine immediately. You need a lesson in snow days.
Slow and Steady Always Wins
Amateur hour begins promptly when people start ripping shots for snow days. They’re the ones that will be passed out in bed with a trashcan next to their face by 4 p.m. Shots are fine and dandy to do at night, but day drinking is a breed of its own. It is not a sprint, it’s a marathon, and it’s important to remember that. So put the handle of vodka down, grab a bottle of wine or can of beer, and get your snow day going.
Play in the Snow (epically)
Don’t just build a snowman. Build an entire army of snowmen and decorate them with empty alcohol containers. Don’t just sled. Sled with your mattress. Build a giant igloo with snow couches, or a giant snowpong table! Everything is 10x more epic when you’re drunk, and with the combination of snow, it makes for an awesome fucking time. Go big or go home, y’all. Sure, you didn’t do any grad school applications, and your senior seminar advisor is wondering if you’re even going to have a project to present, but who cares? You made a 10-foot tall snowgiant, complete with a wizard staff, beard, and a beer bottle nose! If that’s not an accomplishment, I don’t know what is.
Go on an Adventure
At some point, you’re going to run out of supplies (read: alcohol), and you might not have a pledge on hand to drive you. Don’t fret, as my good friend Jeffrey says, “Why don’t we just walk?! It’ll be great! It’ll be fun! It’ll be an adventure! IT WILL BE A STORY!” Now, Jeffrey is usually hammered by the time he says this, but he makes a good point. These will be “the good ol’ days” in our stories to our kids. Why not have a real “I walked two miles uphill in the snow” story? So, make the trek to the liquor store in 15 inches of snow. Drink the beer you just bought on the walk back, and don’t forget to pick up some food while you’re out, too, as chances are pizza isn’t delivering today.
Carry on into the Night
Napping while day drinking can either be a life saver or the kiss of death. I personally believe in drinking Baileys with coffee and just avoiding nap times all together, but my track record with sleeping after day drinking isn’t exactly stellar, either. Do whatever you need to do so that you can survive the night and celebrate the snow. If they already canceled classes, that is a signal to start double-fisting drinks immediately.
Whatever you do for your snow day, enjoy it. You don’t have to follow my suggestions, but just please, for the love of God and all that is holy, please do not waste this perfect day by doing homework, or cleaning, or being a productive person. You can do all that after graduation, but for now, drink up.