A Realistic Fitness Timeline


January 1st

You buy your gym membership, you follow multiple fitness Instagram accounts, you buy tons of new workout clothes that you don’t actually need, and you set your alarm every day for 7 AM. You are ready to get your lazy butt into gear so that in six months times you can be looking fire for all your beach selfies and bikini candids. You are motivated. You are determined. You are excited. You are a strong, independent woman that don’t need no man. We’ll start with running on a treadmill. That treadmill is like all of your relationships: the end is nowhere in sight and you aren’t making any forward progress. Afterwards, you feel like you are going to throw up or pass out. You give it all your energy and it still leaves you gasping for air.

March 1st

Going to the gym six days a week now becomes going to the gym three days a week. Your alarm clock disappears, and going to the gym after work, if you have time, becomes your new workout regimen. You start to save more “Tasty” videos on your Facebook page (ones that don’t include kale or other rabbit foods). You unfollow most of those fitness pages because you don’t believe they are actually obtainable. Those girls probably have really crappy personalities and you’re tired of looking at their perfectly sculpted abs while you eat pizza rolls in bed. The guys you met at the gym won’t leave you alone because you’ve became their little fitness project. They follow you around tell you what weights to lift, what machines to do, how many reps you need to do to “tone” instead of “build muscle.” These dudes put extra pressure on you at the gym, critique you whenever you are doing something wrong, and treat you like you are incompetent of learning how to work out correctly because it’s not “flirty girl fitness.”

June 1st

You have lost all control. You eat ice cream three times a day. You are lucky if you wake up before 11 am, and if you do, you sit and watch Instagram videos for an hour before actually getting up. There are certain things you have realized on this life journey of fitness in the past six months. You come to the realization of how long going to the gym actually takes. Twenty minutes to throw some work out pants on, brush your teeth, eat a granola bar, and drive to the gym. We’ll set aside an hour to get your “swell” on or whatever that is. After the gym is where it gets tricky. You have to shower; wash and blow dry your hair (which takes AT LEAST 7 years), do your make up, straighten or curl your hair. This is going on two to three hours out of your day just to have some creep try to explain to you how to turn an elliptical on like it’s rocket science, and fail at getting abs because you can’t stay away from bread.

To me, there are a lot of better, cooler things you can be doing with three hours of your day other than working out. Like literally anything.

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I like glitter, ok?

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