Hail Snapchat, full of nudes: Priest David is with thee.
Blessed art thou who send drunk snaps,
and blessed is the drink of the sluts, vodka.
Holy Snapchat, source of regret,
Pray for us sinners,
Now and when our nude pictures get leaked. Amen.
Or something like that. If you’re Catholic (you most likely hate me already) you’re well-versed in your Hail Marys, the Lord’s Prayer, and sitting in a little box confessing your sins to a guy who (apparently) doesn’t even have sex.
Full disclosure: I’m not Catholic. Both of my parents were and it must not have worked out. Now we spend our Sundays watching football, drinking beer, and occasionally going to a Presbyterian church where live music is the norm and doughnut holes are served (God bless). Either way, thanks to television, the media, and the movie “Easy A,” I’m pretty sure I have a grasp on this whole thing. You go in a box, tell a stranger everything you did wrong, he tells you to say so many prayers, and BAM! Just like that, you’re absolved of your sins. Only problem? Confessional is soooo 2014 (or, like, 1800). In a world of tweeting, snapping, liking, and favoriting, no one has time to visit an actual church anymore. So, finally, a priest decided to take confessional to the digital age and set up shop in the place where most of our sins take place: Snapchat.
He goes by Priest David, and he’s here to wipe away all of your sins, in just a snap. Literally.
According to Fox 29, this San Antonio-based “priest” will be accepting confessions via Snapchat until March 16, which is so convenient. Most of us commit a sin (or many) while snapping away. Now we can just send a message to the father right after we send a nude. Sounds perfect. Except not really, because the Catholic church is freaking pissed. They say that it goes against religion, it doesn’t count if it’s digital, and lots of other mumbo-jumbo. Some even go as far to say that “He’s not a Catholic priest.” Sounds familiar…
Honestly, I think they just haven’t figured out how to work this whole Snapchat thing. Luckily, TSM knows how, and we wasted no time snapping our sins away. First, I tried to get the ball rolling.
Unfortunately, he ignored me. Maybe it was the selfie, or the fact that I have a rebellious nose ring. Or, most likely, he was able to smell the non-Catholic on me. So, I sent some other TSM writers to get the scoop. First, the confession:
“I might have more, but those are the big hitters” #TSM. Nothing like a totally casual, long list of offenses for the Snapchat confessional, amirite? Shockingly, the priest did not ignore her. How he knew she was legit and I wasn’t is beyond me. It’s like he has ESPN or something.
And just like that, she was good to go. If this is the kind of thing you’re into, snap Priest David and become sin-free. If you’re not catholic, or you don’t feel like this will actually absolve your sins, just go back to using the app for what it’s made for: sending drunk, half-naked pictures to boys who don’t know your last name..