Boys, if you’re reading this, it’s either because you’re wondering how a hot piece of ass like yourself isn’t drowning in a pool of Tinder matches, or because you’ve accepted the fact that you are not as attractive as you thought and you’re admitting you need help getting those coveted right swipes from the ladies surrounding you. Whichever category you fall into, get ready to hear something you don’t want to:
You are not as attractive as the women on Tinder are.
Guys, you’re living in the age of FaceTune, contouring, and selfie lights and you’re not keeping up the way your female counterparts are. So if you’re not down to learn how to FaceTune your thighs, contour your jawline until it can cut a man, and wear makeup to blur any imperfections, just follow this 1700 matches and counting girl’s simple guide to cheating your way into getting more right swipes on Tinder.
1. Turn your Smart Photos on.
Tinder made this a feature for a reason, and it’s not because girls don’t know what pictures they look good in. Trust me. We know our best angles and best photos. We get hundreds of likes on Insta because we know what we’re doing. You, on the other hand? You need some assistance, and Tinder’s here to help. You might think you look hot as hell on a boat, squinting, and holding a dead fish with your sunburnt arms, but turn that Smart Photos feature on and you will quickly learn it’s not that attractive to women.
2. Post a photo with a hat on.
Whether it’s backwards or frontwards, all that matters is that you’re wearing a hat. Why? Because it hides part of your face, which can only help in getting right swipes. At first glance, any girl can be tricked into thinking you’re cute and right-swipe worthy. Plus, a backwards hat makes every boy at least 12% more attractive. This is #SCIENTIFIC #FACT. Trust me I was a STEM major for 3 years in college. I know science. And I definitely didn’t just come up with that statistic four years ago and just kept telling people in hopes of it becoming scientific fact.
3. Post a photo with sunglasses on.
Why? You guessed it. Because you need to cover more of your face. The idea is, the less of your face a girl sees, the more attractive she’ll find you.
4. Include a photo with a few girl friends who are objectively pretty but not Adriana Lima “too pretty to be real”-caliber.
Why? Because a girl will think that if you’re good enough to be hanging out with these pretty girls, you’re good enough to swipe right on. But leave the supermodel pals if you have any, because that’s just gonna be a hit to your potential match’s self-esteem.
5. Think of a creative and funny bio. Girls love a nice sense of humor.
Even if we don’t find you attractive, we’ll still right swipe you because we know you’re funny and we’re looking forward to the jokes and pick up lines.
6. Post a picture with a friend who’s shorter than you to trick girls into thinking you’re extra tall.
This needs no explanation.
7. Post a picture with your hot best friend because we’ll probably right swipe immediately, hoping it’s him we’re matching with.
Start a nice conversation and be funny. By the time we realize our mistake, we would have already started to like you because of your sense of humor. See what’s important here?
8. Always include a picture of you with a dog.
Doesn’t matter if it’s your dog, your best friend’s dog, your neighbor’s dog, that random girl on campus who you Venmo’d so you could take a picture with her dog. A boy with a dog is hotter than a boy without a dog, you feel me?
Now once you’ve gotten those right swipes, it’s up to you to capitalize on those matches. Tell her a funny joke. Make her forget how ugly you are by masking it with your self-deprecation and wittiness. By the time you’ve won her over with your personality, it won’t even matter what you look like. You’ll hook up, fall in love, get married, and have a great life together and you can be one of those obnoxious couples endorsing Tinder for the rest of your lives… or at the very least, you might get laid.