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A Man Tells Us How To Trap A Guy Into The Relationship You Want

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Ladies,

I won’t lie to you. If I read this title on the cover of Cosmo, I’d roll my eyes. The idea of a woman telling other women how to “trap” a guy into a relationship is equally as scuzzy as teaching guys how to “trick” a woman into bed. I’m giving myself a pass, though, because I think on some levels–especially in college–guys need a little guidance and prodding before making a romantic decision. Plus, you’re a modern lady with modern taste. You should feel free to know what you want and how to pursue it. Here are the five most common types of romantic entanglements, and my personal views on the best ways to get into them (hopefully not as manipulatively as my Cosmo title suggests).

1. One-Night Hookup
Ah, of course, the easiest of “relationships” for a girl to get into. You hear guys say all the time that girls shouldn’t complain about being single, because “they can get laid whenever they want.” This is true, but it’s also bullshit. If a girl wants to have sex with a guy on a particular night, provided she’s moderately attractive and the guy isn’t in a relationship, it’s probably going to happen. It’s all the stuff that happens afterward that’s tricky. If you’re only looking for a few one-nighters every now and then, you’re in the money. The hilarious thing is that guys get way more clingy than our stereotypes give us credit for. I’ve talked to numerous girls who hooked up with a guy and then couldn’t shake him off. He’d continually try to make a relationship out of it. Although, if we’re really being honest with ourselves, being moderately annoyed by someone who just wants to date you is sort of worth the price of admission for boning, right?

2. Consistent Hookup
This is a nice middle ground to have between consistently adding names to your “list” and having to commit to spending time with someone. The key is to zero in on a guy who you’ve hooked up with who was super chill about it the next day or week. If he wasn’t pining to take you out on a date or trying super hard to get you to come “watch a movie,” he’s your guy. You want to make sure he’s vaguely in your social circle so you don’t have to go out of your way to meet up. You’re at the party, he’s at the party, and now the only difficult thing you have to do is make sure these other tight skirt-wearing vultures don’t distract him from the real prize: you. Be flirty with other guys to show you’re not too invested, but not so much that he just decides to choose another option. If you need to take him on the dance floor and remind him exactly why the two of you had such a good time last weekend, THEN DO IT.

3. Friends With Benefits
Don’t fuck your best guy friend and call it FWB. I repeat, DO NOT fuck your best guy friend and then make it a casual thing. First of all, if you have a “best guy friend,” he’s either gay or in love with you, so having sex with him will be problematic either way. What’s way better is to go out on some dates with guys and find one you get along with, but who you know isn’t a great candidate for a relationship. Often, he’ll actually agree with you. Once you’ve found him, be communicative, please. Guys hate not knowing where they stand as much as girls do. If you two are just casual friends who watch movies and bang but aren’t exclusive, it’d be really nice if you said that. Otherwise, a guy might be deluded into thinking you two have something, and then be quite confused when he sees you discreetly disappear upstairs with two lacrosse players at a rager next weekend.

4. The Serious/Not Serious
This is the most infuriating couple, not because they’re annoying about their relationship, but because it’s so fucking perfect that it just insults you by existing. Unless you really just want to bang a lot of people in college (which is a perfectly acceptable choice) the ideal relationship is really a fun, monogamous one that has no pressure of future implications. I know people who dated for two years and then when they graduated, they parted ways amicably, because they knew that their relationship wasn’t the one they wanted to carry into adulthood. Fuck those people and their stupid, well-adjusted happiness. This is also the only relationship I can’t give you any stealthy tips on how to get–otherwise, I would’ve done it myself. You just have to get lucky.

5. Marriage
There are always select girls and guys who are intent on finding someone to marry when they’re in college. I have no advice for you people, because you seem to find each other anyway. Plus, I don’t want to be responsible for your inevitable divorce in your late twenties.

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Sterling Cooper

Sterling Cooper (aka Randall J. Knox, or simply, "Knox") is a contributor to TFM/TSM and PostGrad Problems. He enjoys Richard Curtis movies, puppy videos, and whines about being single more than a drunk girl tweeting from an anonymous Twitter account alone in the backseat of a taxi.

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