Move over, vagina. There’s a new use for our vibrators that might just be better than orgasms. According to CBS, a man just successfully robbed a bank with an “adult toy” and we’re all kinds of amazed.
A man accused of robbing a bank with a bomb tells police it wasn’t a bomb at all, just an adult toy and cell phone cable wrapped in duct tape. According to court papers, 35-year-old Aaron Stein told police he robbed the bank because he was desperate because he had lost all his money in the stock market last week.
“He had a mask on, said he had a bomb, displayed some wires hanging out from underneath his shirt,” said Crafton Police Chief Mark Sumpter.
A teller describes the device as having wires and a green light on the top that appeared to be a trigger button. Later on, Robinson Township Officer Mike Gastgeb spotted the suspect’s car along Campbells Run Road.
“I noticed a white Toyota Corolla with a male in it, sitting in this parking lot over here,” said Officer Gastgeb. “I went over to confront him, he drove away, I stopped him.”
That’s when he says another officer saw money inside the man’s car. Police say Stein wound up confessing to the robbery and claimed he never had a real bomb.
Naturally, when someone tells you that they don’t have a bomb, the first thing you think is “Oh shit, he has a bomb.” So the cops called in the bomb squad, closed down the roads, and searched his vehicle. To our sheer delight, all they found was a vibrator taped to a cell phone.
Well. freaking. done. Sure, he got caught, but still. He managed to get in and out (pun fully intended) with the sex toy and the money. That’s a win in my book.
It takes a sick mind and a lot of innovation to come up with something like this. There are so many questions I want answered. Was that his vibrator or his SO’s? Was it used or did he purchase it for this event? Did he get to keep it afterwards? Sure stealing is bad. But I think we can all agree that stealing with a vibrating dildo deserves some sort of award. Like getting to keep the money. Or a “Lifetime” movie made about him, or something. I mean, anyone can rob a bank with a gun. But with a “Clit Tornado 3.0” vibrator? No. It takes a special kind of robber to pull off a sexually charged maneuver like that.
Unfortunately for Aaron, I’m pretty sure you can’t take vibrators to prison with you. But if I’ve learned anything from “Orange Is The New Black” it’s that where he’s going, he won’t need sex toys..
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