In the wake of Weinstein, multiple famous men have been called out and accused of predatory behavior. The long list includes names like Ben Affleck, George H.W. Bush, Steven Seagal, Louis CK, Jeremy Piven, Andy Dick, David Blaine, Dustin Hoffman, obviously Kevin Spacey, and probably 10 more that will be exposed by the time I’m done typing this sentence.
I’m psyched that Hollywood is cleaning house with abusers. But I’m also on the edge of my seat PRAYING that some of my favorite entertainers aren’t creeps. I can’t take this any more.
Here are the 10 celebrities I really hope aren’t creeps, in no particular order.
Denzel is hands down my favorite actor. The man is a god. From Training Day to Remember The Titans, he’s starred in so many classics that I wanna continue to watch guilt-free. Please be a nice guy, Denzel. Please.
There’s no way in hell I’d ever recover if we found out the Fresh Prince is an abuser. I don’t wanna find any reasons to not love this man.
The king of stoner comedy. I have a conspiracy theory that Seth is just a giant bag of weed disguised as a person. He’s a big, cuddly teddy bear with his signature chuckle and his laundry list of modern comedy classics. This fucker better be a nice guy or so help me God…
I didn’t spend all these years worshipping Leo to find out that he’s a predator. My whole life, I always thought Rose in Titantic was a selfish bitch for not letting Leo on that floating door (there was CLEARLY room for him), but maybe she knew something we didn’t and she secretly wanted him to drown? God I hope not.
Michael Cera is a national treasure and an icon of sweet, shy awkwardness. I love Michael Cera and I pray we don’t find out that he did anything fucked up. I love him too much. If both of my parents and Michael Cera were drowning and I could only save two of them, I’d save Michael Cera twice.
I’m a huge Ye Stan. I’ve spent years as a professional Kanye defender, telling people that he’s a creative genius and a misunderstood soul who gets crucified just for loving himself too much. People already hate Kanye for his cockiness, I just hope we don’t find a valid reason to hate him. I don’t wanna delete “The College Dropout” from my iTunes anytime soon.
I wanna continue living in a world where the most problematic thing about Matthew McConaughey is remembering how to spell his name.
Any Of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
These four fuckers have brought so much joy into my life. If I find out they abuse anything other stacks of pizza, I’m giving up on humanity.
Superman stands for truth, justice, and the American way. He’s our most classic superhero. He presents himself as so wholesome, but is that because he’s hiding something? I sure hope not.
This is it, this is the big one. And would it really be that surprising? With all the famous men who have ended up being abusers, would we really be that shocked if we found out Spongebob had some skeletons in his closet? If we EVER find out ANYTHING bad about SpongeBob, I am leaving this Earth..
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