A Guy With Hot Guy Swag Is Hotter Than A Guy Who’s Actually Hot

A Guy With Hot Guy Swag Is Hotter Than A Guy Who's Actually Hot

You ever notice how very different strip clubs are for men and women? When men go, it’s kind of grimy. It’s a bunch of dudes getting drunk, and semi-quietly staring at naked women. Touching naked women. Going into private rooms with naked women to pretend that they have a chance with said naked women. Everyone’s popping bone in there. Everyone. I don’t get why that’s a fun guy’s night out for anyone, but it is. When women go to male strip clubs, it’s different. No one is aroused. People are laughing, and wooing, and taking “silly” photos pretending to grab on the strippers, but shyly giggling away when he looks. It’s a spectacle. And the idea of a private room would be absurd.

There’s a reason for this. There’s a reason that there are dozens of men’s magazines featuring naked and semi-naked women, but the only people who buy magazines of naked dudes are gay men. There’s a reason why “Instagram model” is a feasible job description for women, but not men. There’s a reason we don’t have a TSM Guys.

And it’s because women don’t care about hot guys. You may think you do, but how many times have you asked yourself “What the hell? He’s not even that cute!” So many times. Don’t start feeling proud of yourself. You care about something equally shallow, but much, much harder to detect in a picture alone — Hot Guy Swag.

Hot Guy Swag is this….quality in a guy that makes a guy seem hot even if he isn’t. The lack of the same quality is what makes a guy who’s actually hot a douche or worse, a pussy. It’s hard to describe and hard to pinpoint, but like pornography, you know it when you see it.

It’s mostly about confidence, bordering (but not crossing over into) arrogance. It’s wearing a hat the right way — and yes, there’s a wrong way — and no, I don’t know how to articulate the difference. It’s that subtle head nod that guys do. You know, the one that says “Hey,” but he’s so fluent in body language that he doesn’t need to use words.

So much of it is in his walk. Honestly, it’s like 50% walk, and I don’t think it’s teachable. His mannerisms are just hot guy mannerisms. He always says the right thing. He knows which beers he likes, while you’re like “Is rail vodka the same thing as well vodka?” His clothes always fit nicely, and he puts his hand on the right place on your back. He masters the balance of being slightly more fashionable than his dipshit friend, but not so fashionable that he seems like a tryhard.

His shoes are probably pretty dope.

Other guys respond really well to him. His jokes land, even when they’re not inherently funny. You get a small thrill when he knows some random fact about sports, or cars, or business, and can chat up your big brother about it. Other guys respect him, which is, for some reason, a way bigger turn-on than girls just fawning over him because he’s nice to look at.
He’s funny, but not super goofy. He’s confident, but not in a douchey way. And he gives you compliments that make squirm.

And all these things I’ve described sound like a stud. You literally think the fictional guy I’ve just described is gorgeous. And if I told you he was practically deformed, you’d be like “but he’s still kind of hot, right?” Because Hot Guy Swag is the only thing that matters.

A pretty face, a rocking set of abs, and a mirror selfie captioned with an emoji does nothing. In fact it’s basically unattractive even if he’s a good-looking dude. Simply put, the guy who acts hot is hotter than the guy who looks hot every single time.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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