A Guide To Doing Spring Break Correctly

Spring Break

If you’re not already on spring break, it’s probably close enough for you to taste the sketchy situations you’re about to get into. Spring break is the one week every year when girls can behave like total alcoholics and no one else can say anything about it. Cramming seven girls into a car plus all their baggage (suitcases, not ex-boyfriends) for 16 hours may seem like a batshit crazy idea, but it’s all worth it when you get that first glimpse of the shoreline, packed with cute boys for miles. Nothing compares to the first day on the beach with your whole sorority by your side, a half gallon cup filled with some mystery mixed drink in your hand, and a fanny pack strapped around your hips. The build up to actually getting to that first moment is practically unbearable at this point, considering you’ve been packing for the past month. Just make sure you have these items before you set sail for the land of regrettable decisions.

A Realistic Mindset

If this is your first spring break, be careful. It’s everything it’s cracked up to be, but only if you do it right. Don’t get ahead of yourself by trying to do every classic SB activity–body shots, lap dances, booze cruises, wet t-shirt contests–in one day. You will black out before noon and absolutely no one will want to take care of your immobile ass. Have a great time, but just test the waters first. See who your neighbors are, get some kind of breakfast in your stomach, and keep a bottle of water with you. You’ll look like a pro in no time. For the veterans, you already know the drill. Just make sure you keep yourself in check. The more years of college you complete, the more you may feel you have to rage harder than anyone in your house to prove you are still just as nuts as before. Just because you know the ropes, you can still embarrass the living shit out of yourself. Don’t think I’m trying to stop you from having a good time–I’m only stopping you from trying to one-up yourself each year with a crazier story. You will end up doing cocaine with a homeless guy in the back of a truck, wake up in an entirely different country with your hair dyed a different color, and have zero pity from your parents bailing you out.

A Tracking Device For That One Sister You Know You’ll Lose

If a certain person popped into your head as someone who fits the description listed above, you definitely groaned to yourself when you saw her “SPRING BREAK FOREVER BITCHES!!!” text pop up in your group text a couple months back. Fantastic! Ms. Liability herself will attend the week-long rager, and people are already calling dibs on NOT being the one who has to keep constant tabs on her. You know you’re going to have to eventually step up and take care of her at least a couple times, which sucks. There’s a difference in taking care of the sloppy girl for an hour or two after the party and taking care of the sloppy girl 10 hours a day because she pregamed for three hours before you even woke up. With the huge crowds and constant movement, it’s going to be difficult to contain her. You might have to go to extremes. Write “If found, please call ***-***-****” with a Sharpie–that might do the trick. If that’s not enough, don’t be afraid to use the GPS tracker on her phone, a kiddie leash, or just handcuffing yourselves together. No sister left behind.

A Go With The Flow Attitude

This may be the most important thing to bring on your spring break adventure this year. As I mentioned before, you need to be reasonable and safe. That doesn’t mean you have to be a Negative Nancy. No one likes the girl who complains about how hot it is, or that she wants to watch “Gossip Girl” inside instead of drink with the boys, or who needs to stop drinking for the day after she throws up in the pool. Spring break is about having the time of your life, because you’re still actually young enough to get away with these drunken shenanigans. You can wake up, have absolutely no plan for the day whatsoever, and still have an incredible time. Don’t try to set up too many plans or limitations for the week, because I guarantee you won’t be able to accomplish them all. The more you let go and let the atmosphere lead you, the better time you’ll have and the less stressed you’ll be if your plans don’t follow through. Hell, you’re on spring break to de-stress yourself anyway. Why make it more complicated by trying to piece together an hour-by-hour schedule for the day? Grab your girls and your glasses and go have a great time.

Extra Storage On Your Phone

Just making it through the week with your phone still in tact or in your possession is pretty vital, but having more storage for blackmail photos is just as important. If you haven’t realized already, you will be intoxicated for just about the entire trip. You will be drinking for seven or eight hours a day, and you will only stop for brief naps or to eat some kind of substance before resuming to your usual nightly binge-drinking routine. Some ridiculous shit is going to happen. You need to be around (and possibly sober enough) to capture it. Your little will flash someone for vodka. Picture. Your bestie will attempt to play dizzy bat in the sand and end up bleeding from her face after falling. Picture. Your scholarship chair will make out with someone who you’re 98 percent sure is above the age of 40. Forget pictures–this one calls for video evidence. Of course, after you’ve ruined their lives by telling them you refuse to delete anything, just be prepared for the revenge they’ll take upon seeing you make the walk of shame back to your house the next morning wearing some altered version of the outfit you wore last night, plus a giant hawaiian shirt and a snorkel. It’ll make for a fun little game later on for your whole house called “Can I Possibly Untag Myself From This Before Standards Kills Me?”

Your Dignity

LOL. #jokes

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Majored in bad language, bad decisions and bad jokes. Usually fucking things up or knocking things over.

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