Thanksgiving break is finally here. It’s the perfect chance to spend some much needed bonding time with your family, friends, and liquor cabinet. Going home for break can be great, provided you’ve mastered the art of hidden pantry shots meant to aid your subjection to the judgmental questions your relatives are sure to ask. If not, use this guide to help deal with those invasive holiday questions that leave you wondering why the hell you came home in the first place.
“Are you still single?”
This is always an inevitable question. It’s important to keep yourself together, because by the third time this torturous question is repeated, you’re going to want to throw your sneaky whiskey-packed Coke against the wall and use the hideous sweater your mother made you wear to mop the tears from your pained face. You’re probably going to want to scream, “Yes, I’m still fucking single. Thanks for reminding me. NO ONE LOVES ME, OKAY?” I do not recommend this approach. Offer an appropriate alternative that diverts away from your single status and toward other accomplishments–something like, “I’m really trying to focus on my studies this semester.” They probably won’t buy it, but do you really give a shit?
“You sure look like you’re having fun in your Facebook pictures!”
I don’t even have enough time to explain how wrong it is that our elder relatives stalk our Facebooks and witness pictures of our weekend keg stands and bar crawls. I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want my Uncle Greg to see is me doing a beer bong in a slutty Halloween costume. Unfortunately, your mother would murder you if you denied his friend request, and you completely forgot to limit his view on your profile. Now you’re stuck, cornered by a judgmental relative, trying to talk yourself out of an incredibly awkward situation. Try to sway his attention to your sorority’s latest accomplishment, or compliment his hideous turtleneck. There’s literally no other way out of this.
“How are your classes?”
Do not enlighten any relative to the terror of your courses. It’ll make you seem weak, and they can smell fear. It’s best if your grandma doesn’t know that you binge on a seizure-inducing amount of Adderall and Red Bull to cope with upcoming exams. Keep a calm face and try not to rant about how you dream of murdering your professors to avoid involuntary institutionalization. It helps to store lifesaving key words in the back of your mind, such as “manageable” and “intellectually stimulating.”
“You know, I was engaged already when I was your age.”
Keep in mind that your grandma loves you, and it is not okay to lash out on her in response to this reminder. Though she may have told you this tidbit of information a thousand times, it’s still not her fault that Charles Manson can get a ring and you cannot. Whatever you do, don’t indulge your temptations by telling her, “Whoopty do, Grandma, I’m glad you think you’re suuuuuuch hot shit. Get off my dick, would you?” This response will probably break her heart and send you straight to hell. Instead, congratulate her for being such a dime piece back in the day. She deserves that much.
“What are you thinking of doing after you graduate?”
“I’ll probably be in prison, because I’m going to murder the next moderately successful adult who poses this question.” Whoops, don’t say that. Say you’re “keeping your options open.” They don’t have to know that this includes stripping or working the nearest street corner, because you have legitimately zero idea what you want to do post-graduation. Remind yourself that 1) they probably didn’t know, either, and 2) you are younger and better looking than they are, so fuck their judgement..