A Guide For Getting Out Of Chapter

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Chapter sucks. A lot. Who could blame you for never wanting to go? Well–except for your standards chair. But whatever, screw her.

Your chapter excuse: “I have an exam review.”
What you actually mean: “I went out to lunch and ordered one beer, which somehow turned into three pitchers and five shots. I don’t know how it happened, but now I’m drunk. Oops.”

Your chapter excuse: “I have a family dinner.”
What you actually mean: “I’m at Chipotle by myself, making love to a burrito and some guac. #noregrets.”

Your chapter excuse: “My car broke down.”
What you actually mean: “They just uploaded a new season of my favorite show to Netflix.”

Your chapter excuse: “I have a tutoring session.”
What you actually mean: “That hot guy in my French class finally asked me to hang out. He wears bow ties and drives a mustang. That’s classic, grade-A husband material and I am NOT going to miss out on it.”

Your chapter excuse: “I have a doctor’s appointment.”
What you actually mean: “Meh, just not feeling it today. Sorry.”

Your chapter excuse: “I’m visiting my grandma–she’s really sick.”
What you actually mean: “I know that I’m going to hell for exploiting my perfectly healthy grandmother, but shit got pretty ratchet at that social last week and I don’t want to be there when we all get yelled at for it.”

Your chapter excuse: “I have a ton of homework and studying to do.”
What you actually mean: “I’m going to get on my laptop and occupy myself with three hours of aimless web surfing.”

Your chapter excuse: “I’m out of town.”
What you actually mean: “I’m actually at the frat next door. I don’t feel like leaving my slam to sit in an uncomfortably hot, estrogen-packed room and listen to people my own age tell me what to do.”

Your chapter excuse: “I have to attend a lecture for one of my classes.”
What you actually mean: “Totally pulled that out of my ass, I have a date with Elliot Stabler and a cheese pizza.”

Your chapter excuse: “I have a night exam.”
What you actually mean: “I actually do have an exam, but I’ll be done with it by the time chapter starts. I’m just taking advantage of a somewhat valid excuse because I’m lazy.”

Your chapter excuse: “I have a meeting with my TA to discuss my paper.”
What you actually mean: “Someone told me we’re voting on committee heads tonight. That takes a really long time, and I’m just not about that life.”

Your chapter excuse: “I’m not feeling well. I think I might have the flu.”
What you actually mean: “I day drank and now I’m reeeeeally hungover. Like, I might puke on my keyboard.”

Your chapter excuse: “There was a family emergency.”
What you actually mean: “My bed is too comfortable to leave. Plus, I really don’t want to put on pants.”

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Lucky Jo

Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to

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