A Guide For Eskimo Sisters

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Greek life in general is pretty much a breeding ground for incest. I mean, you can’t throw thousands of attractive, drunk, college students together and not expect some overlap in, uh, “relations.” It’s bound to happen no matter how big or small your school is, so when it eventually does, here are the proper ways of dealing with it:

Scenario 1: You Both Drunkenly Made Out

This is probably the most common of all the combinations. If you asked me to list the number of guys I’ve drunkenly made out with over my college career, I think I’d finish sometime in 2016–and that’s playing it safe. The best thing about having a drunken MO in common with a sister is the stories you swap afterwards. Bonding over how he has a lizard tongue? Check. Reminiscing about his beyond awkward grinding abilities during a dubstep song? Check. Crying-laughing together about his signature one-liner, “Hey baby, what do ya say we make like wagon wheels and rock on out of here?” CHECK. (Side note: all true accounts).

Scenario 2: She Drunkenly Made Out With Him But You Did More

Anything past the drunken MO is where things get a little dicey. Last year, I started seeing a guy who I got set up with for a date function. We were about a week past the exclusivity talk when a girl in my chapter exclaimed, “You’re going steady with Brian?! I totally hooked up with him sophomore year. Be careful with him, he’s such a typical frat guy.” Here are my takeaways from that: Firstly, I don’t want to hear about how you know what my boyfriend’s penis looks like, and secondly, my stalker level just increased from normal to a psycho, “I-need-to-hire-a-24/7-private-investigator-to-watch-him-sleep” level. So thanks. Talking from experience here, ladies: take everything she says with a grain of salt…her jealousy levels are so high, you can almost see the green envy seeping out of her pores.

Scenario 3: You Drunkenly Made Out With Him But She Did More

On the flip side of things, you don’t want to be that girl so wrapped up in her own jealous insecurities that she needs to bring down the girl in a relationship. Your best bet here is to wish her the best and actually mean it. So it didn’t work out between you and that guy. Believe me, talking down her relationship will not help you find someone else any faster.

Scenario 4: You WERE Both Something More

If you didn’t listen to my advice in scenarios two and three, and both of you got into (but are now out of) the relationship, this makes scenario one all the more fun. You can multiply it by a million by swapping stories of his secret love for rom-coms and Nickelback, his weird as fuck fetishes, and the fact that he needed to sleep with waterproof sheets to prevent bedwetting until he was 18.

Scenario 5: You Both ARE Something More

Watch “John Tucker Must Die” and plan accordingly.

Even though these types of situations are inevitable, there are ways of dealing with them like the (semi) classy women we are. When in doubt though, always have each others’ backs. Hoes before bros.

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to

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