A Final, Heartfelt Breakup Letter To Thongs


Well thongs, it’s been real.

I didn’t think this would happen. Quite honestly I thought that we would be together forever. How silly of me, right? But we had some really great times. Amazing, even. You know, like when you would poke out above my Hollister jeans in my high school home room class? And how about when I went on formal, and didn’t want VPL? Remember when I drunkenly took you off in that guy’s room (what was his name again?) and forgot about you? When I walked by the fraternity house the next day you were just hanging out of a window – a badge of honor, a trophy of sex.

You were my PIC, my “panties in crime.”

I really did love you. I hope you know that. But now, unfortunately, it’s time to say goodbye. I’d say that it wasn’t you, it was me, but that would be a lie. It isn’t me. It’s all you. And honestly, as hard as this is going to be to hear, I met someone new. And according to Cosmo, I’m not the only one. Women from all over are dumping their thongs for something roomier, cozier, and, quite honestly, “older.”

That’s right. I’m leaving you for granny panties.

It wasn’t anything you did. I want you to know that. I just had enough, you know? I was tired of the way you’d squeeze in between my ass cheeks. And seriously? You gave me the worst vagina wedgies of all time. You suffocated me. Sure, you looked good, and the guys? The guys freaking loved you. But I just wasn’t comfortable with you anymore. Not the way that I am with full-coverage underwear. And to be perfectly honest, you’re kind of outdated. High waisted is in. Comfort is in. So in, in fact, that granny panty sales have gone up 17 percent. And you? Your sales have gone down. I don’t want this to be about numbers, because you’re more than that.

But the truth is, the numbers speak for themselves. They say that things aren’t how they used to be. We’ve changed. Women have changed. We don’t want to be in an uncomfortable, all looks, purely sex relationship. We want to be covered all around, and you’re just too flimsy. I’ll always remember you, and sure, when I’m feeling horny and want to get raging drunk, I might call you up for a night out. But for the most part? It’s over between us. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish you the best of luck, and if you ever decide to get some more fabric, I’ll be here.


Some Bottom That You Used To Know

[via Cosmo]

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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