A Drunk Girl’s Review Of Ben and Jerry’s

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Last week, my best friend got into graduate school for social work. Because we are slowly transitioning into postgrad life, we celebrated by ordering gluten free pizza and watching “Frozen.” When good ol’ Thursday came around, we made an effort to celebrate the correct way–by “correct way,” I mean getting completely plastered at the bar for thirsty Thursday. Since it wasn’t just any thirsty Thursday, I decided to treat my friend and myself to a little treat. It was something to kick it up a notch, if you will. To make sure our night really was a good fucking time.

I bought Ben and Jerry’s Cores.

The excitement I had to open my pint can only be compared to when someone is first about to try cocaine. You know it’s probably not going to end well for you, but fuck it, right? You also know you’re going to need more of it in about 15 minutes, and you’ll never, ever be satiated. You need all of it.

So blah, blah, blah, we went to the bar. Blah, blah, blah, did a lot of shots. Blah, blah, blah, caught up with people I hadn’t seen in a week. Typical bar Thursday with nothing remarkable about it–except for the frozen treat patiently waiting for me upon my return home. When we stumbled into my apartment, my friend automatically went to make popcorn, which is our go to post-bar snack. I kindly reminded her (read: screamed in her face) that we had Ben and Jerry’s to eat.

I opened the lid to That’s My Jam, which is half raspberry chocolate chip ice cream, half chocolate ice cream, with a raspberry jam core in the middle. Mixing fruit and chocolate together has been the best thing to happen to my mouth since my mom finally let my dentist give me fluoride treatments. Probably even better, actually, because my dentist is a whore liar who said the bubble gum flavor would actually taste like bubble gum. But it was more like if the bubble gum was excavated off of a 50-year-old desk then soaked in toothpaste and ass for five years. Yuck. Anyway, back to the important part. I opened my lid, and for a second I felt ripped off. Number one, there was no core to be seen. Number two, the raspberry ice cream overtook the chocolate side, making it look mostly like raspberry ice cream. However, it’s Ben and Jerry. I trust my boyfriends to make spectacular ice cream. It’s why I keep coming back to them, even though their pints are way out of my food budget (not to mention my calorie budget). I dug my spoon in the middle, trying to get the first perfect bite of chocolate, jam, and raspberry. I brought the spoon up to my lips, my hands shaking with anticipation (or from being drunk, whatever).

As soon as I put the spoon in my mouth, I was taken to a land of ecstasy. Was I wet? Was I about to be penetrated by Ryan Reynolds? No, no, even better. I had tasted the best ice cream in the entire world. The chocolate and raspberry ice cream complimented each other so perfectly. Perfection. And the added bonus of the raspberry jam, which stayed soft even though it had been in the freezer for hours? Complete nirvana. It was amazingly smooth and easily scoopable, which made the rest of the ice cream easily spoonable. The raspberry seeds also added some nice texture to the ice cream, making it (like I said earlier) the best ice cream ever.

I finished the pint within 10 minutes. My friend finished her pint of Hazed and Confused (hazelnut and chocolate with a nutella-like core) in eight minutes. We both had tears filling up in our eyes of how perfect it was. Calling these cores just ice cream is an insult to them; Ben and Jerry’s Cores ice cream is an experience.

Seriously, everyone can stop and just go home, because Ben and Jerry’s hit it out of the park. You cannot outdo this ice cream–I really do not see how it is possible. Well, make it zero calories, and then we’ll talk. There would be no point of boyfriends or husbands, because this experience is so much better than any male. Ever.

So what are you waiting for? Ben and Jerry are calling your name, and nirvana awaits.

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Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. and Post Grad Problems. A born and raised Maryland girl, she's obsessed with the Baltimore Ravens, Old Bay, and anything that has the Maryland flag pattern on it. She's a newly retired student-athlete and sorority girl, but not quite ready to call herself an adult, especially since she still has to be carried out of bars. With a Long Island in hand, she's ready for whatever life is throwing her way. Maybe.

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