A Definitive Power Ranking Of All The Guys I’ve Hooked Up With

The 8 Different Types Of Hookups

I recently made a sex list for the first time. I put it first in chronological order, and walked down memory lane. Well, more like cringed down memory lane. This was not exactly an all-star line up, but as they say “you should never buy a sweater without trying it on.” And apparently I have really bad taste in sweaters.

19. Mark
I went home with him and spent the night puking my brains out. He nudged me awake at 7:30 AM to pump away for upwards of a minute before throwing a roll of paper towels at me and telling me to get up because he had to go to work. Chivalry is not dead, ladies.

18. Connor
It was just. So bad. Super sweet guy, though.

17. Samuel
Two words: Whiskey. Dick.

16. Max
I hooked up with him the first night I ever got drunk. I didn’t speak to him before or after that night. Set the tone for every other drunk night for the rest of my life.

15. Luke
He lived in the building across from me. We hooked up out of convenience’s sake more than anything else.

14. Charlie
We lost our virginities to each other and cracked up the whole time because we had no idea what we were doing. It was not sexy, but it got better with practice.

13. Josh
He jack-hammered me on his basement couch a few times when I was bored and home for break. He had a really cute dog that I got to hang out with when we were done, though.

12. Dylan
I can’t remember anything about him except his hot pink boxer briefs. So not bad, but not good I guess.

11. Michael
He’s one of my really good friends and we both got bored one night. That’s pretty much the end of that.

10. Tom #1
I swiped this mofo’s V-card senior of high school. Taught him well before sending him off to college. It was like a real life SuperBad situation.

9. Liam
Full story here.

8. Dustin
I came home from college and we finally hooked up after having a crush on him since we were in middle school. We even did it in his car out in the woods where everyone in our high school hooked up. It was oddly nostalgic. My seventh grade self was loving every second of it.

7. Jester
That’s not his real name, it’s his pledge name which he goes by exclusively. I’m not entirely sure what his real name is either.

6. Tom #2
He’s actually the roommate of the guy I was originally trying to hook up with, but I was not disappointed. Way hotter than I expected, but kind of a weird kisser.

5. Danny
I took his virginity the night I met him, (V-card #3 for those of you following along at home), and ended up dating him for longer than I would like to admit.

4. Giovanni
This Italian stallion knew what TF he was doing. He was super rough, but I was totally ok with it. I wonder what happened to him. Probably opening up his own pizzeria somewhere.

3. Tyler
Big dude with a big dick. No complaints here.

2. Chad
He was totally out of my league. I’m still really proud about this one. I had a Crazy Stupid Love moment when I woke up the next morning. You know when Emma Stone sees Ryan Gosling with his shirt off and gets pissed because he looks photoshopped? It was just like that. He had a V and everything. God love him.

1. Myles
I can’t say good enough things about this dick. I mean, dude. I have very fond memories with it. I mean, him. He’s number one on this list, so maybe he’s The One? Nah, probably not.

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Plain Jane

Just your average sorority girl

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