A Comprehensive Guide To Ghosting


I know I’m not alone when I say that easily the most irritating thing a guy can do is ghost you. They text you non-stop, compliment you every ten minutes, and take you out on actual dates only to completely disappear off the face of the earth when things start to get serious. The worst part? No one is immune to it. I’m serious, if you ever try to tell me that you’ve “never been ghosted,” I’m going to assume that you’re either A) lying B) in denial or C) Kate Upton (and if you answered C you’re lying again and we’re right back at square one.)

The first time it happens you’ll be upset and at least a little bit confused. Things seemed to be going great so what gives? Get ready to find out just what psychotic thing you did that pushed him away because for the next week you and anyone who feels like listening (or practicing their detective skills) will be dissecting every text and voicemail over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Spoiler alert? You’re not gonna really find anything, but you’ll come out of it bloody and bruised with a list of “reasons” anyways.

By the third or fourth time (unless you’re me then it’s closer to the eighth time) you’ll start to realize that what they’re doing is actually kind of genius. By breaking it off before any real talks of a serious relationship can come up, you’re perpetually in the new relationship stage. That glorious time when every day is like straight out of a Nicholas Sparks book. It’s almost like someone could make a video montage of all your cute dates, cut with scenes of you holding hands, laughing as you skip through a meadow while Taylor Swift plays in the background. Are guys really in it for that? Probably not, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be.

Knowing that our lives could look like that all the time means the real question is, why don’t girls ghost more often? Realistically speaking it comes down to one of two things, the first being that we possess a moral compass that tells us it’s wrong to just drop someone. When you think about all the possible advantages, it’s easy enough to ignore. But the second factor that stops girls from cashing in on this little-known secret? They don’t know how. Luckily, there are a couple of fool proof rules that will help you be a heartless bitch in no time.

#1: It’s Not Ghosting If It’s Tinder

There’s nothing that pisses me off more than when I get a passive aggressive Tinder message after I didn’t reply to the last one. Believe it or not, sending me something along the lines of “Or not” or “Guess you’re really busy then.” won’t actually make me reply. I know, crazy, right? Girls, if you get any type of message like this don’t bother with the fake excuses, they’re not worth it.

#2: Try Not To Do It Right After a Date

So I might’ve exaggerated a little bit on the heartless bitch part. We’re going for innocent fun here, not all out monster, alright? Waiting to ghost someone until right after you’ve hung out (or worse: after the first time you’ve hung out) is basically asking for them to assume it has something to do with the way they look. Even if it’s true, spare them the meltdown and keep up at least a day’s worth of pity convo. Then ghost them.

#3: It’s Okay If You’ve Already Told Them You’re Not Interested

If you decide to take the humane route and let them down easy, you’re under no obligation to continue replying. Once you’ve gently explained that things aren’t working out, that’s it. Even if they send you “hey” 15 times over the next six weeks (obnoxious, but hey, it happens), you’re good to block them. I’m not saying they need to take a hint but take a hint.

#4: Don’t Look Back

As tempting as it can be, once you’ve ghosted someone you can never go back to them. I don’t care what you think, things won’t be the same trust me. Just have a little faith in your former self, no matter what state she might’ve been in, and leave that one in the past.

So what are you waiting for? Get out there, and start ghosting, girl.

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