Dear Miss Battersby,
I recently had the distinct pleasure of reading your piece “8 American College Trends We Don’t Want to See.” I was wearing my Chacos, an oversized, long sleeved T-shirt that covered my Nike running shorts, and a vest as I read it. I chuckled. Your mistake, Miss Battersby (GREAT name, by the way–super British) is thinking that “fashion” or “style” factor into any of our day-to-day campus clothing decisions. It’s all about practicality and functionality. Let’s go over some of our “odd looks.”
Chacos: I beg to differ on your statement that “nearly every college student wears them casually on a daily basis.” They are by no means widely accepted. I get a lot of heat when I choose to rock my Chacs, but I don’t let it get me down because they are the most functional shoes you will ever wear. I hiked the Great Wall of China in those bad boys. They also make me feel earthy, which is hard to do considering the amount of makeup I wear. I’m not sure if you’ve ever experienced a rainy day in the south, but it gets hotter than a billy goat’s ass in a pepper patch and steamier than that car Jack and Rose banged in. Rainboots are useless on a hot rainy day down here, as your feet will end up just as wet from sweat as they would from rain. Strap on your Chacos, however, and you’re all set.
Oversized T-shirts: I’m afraid this might offend your delicate British sensibilities, but those “men’s fit t-shirts” once belonged to men. That is why they fit like that. We took them as souvenirs or earned them from enduring a shitshow of a formal or a mountain weekend. We wear them proudly around campus like lionesses with a piece of fine prey. Added bonus: the size makes our legs look thin.
Sunglass Straps: What the hell is a sunglass strap? They are called croakies: C-R-O-A-K-I-E-S. Wait, stop. Imagining you sounding this out inquisitively in your English accent puts a bad taste in my mouth. Moving on. Croakies make sure your expensive sunglasses remain on your person while engaging in strenuous physical activity, such as boating, keg stands, intramural flag football, general roughhousing, maneuvering in a crowded bar, and sometimes sex making. Once again: practical and functional.
Boat Shoes: They’re casual, comfortable, and I honestly judge a man for not wearing boat shoes. They say, “At any moment, I could hop onto a boat, and I most likely just returned from a game of golf. I emulate your father, so you’re 24 percent more attracted to me.”
North Face: I think you’re confused, Miss Battersby. Are you sure you didn’t tour American high schools circa 2007 while carefully collecting research for this scholarly article? Because that’s the last time I saw a North Face fleece. It was on my little sister. At home, you see avid hikers AND dog walkers wearing the brand? I guess Brits walk their dogs on mountains, thus deeming North Face apparel appropriate by Battersby standards.
Nike Trainers At Night: I only know that “trainers” mean “sneakers” because I read “Harry Potter.” Clearly you’ve never been to an American college bar if you call them “clubs.” Nike running shoes are the perfect footwear for the average American college bar, because you’re constantly standing in a few inches of beer and drunk girl tears. Though I have personally never worn sneakers to a bar, I’m always jealous of the freedom of movement and agility of the men who can freely climb on stage, dance to Chumbawumba with abandon, and not slip and fall. You only get that kind of foot stability in such slippery and drunken circumstances in a pair of running shoes. There would be far fewer sprained ankles and barefoot girls walking home with shoes in hand if running shoes were even more accepted in our bar scene. I am fully in favor.
Vests: Whoa, biddie. The vest is the most perfect piece of apparel to ever grace the planet. Fur vests, fleece vests, puffy monogrammed vests–so versatile. You’re always the perfect temperature in a vest. You can enjoy the benefits of a collar, pockets, and slight chest warmth while still having your arms as free as America.
Koozies: “No American ever leaves home without one of these.” That, my dear, is a gross over-exaggeration. If you gave even the most American baby a koozie, he or she would slobber all over it, rendering it useless and a complete waste of a koozie. Even though I personally keep them in my school bag, my purse, my car, and stashed through out my house, that is because I am in college and there is frequently a beer I must keep cold. I guarantee you far more Americans leave home sans koozie than don’t–as in every single American not in college and many who are, but who are just not as committed to the perfect beer temperature.
The American college lifestyle is one of a kind. From the inside looking out we can’t explain it, and from the outside looking in you can’t understand it. Though your attempt was darling, bless your heart. If you ever find yourself in our grand nation again, please feel free to come on down south and say hello. I’ll be the one in Chacos and a fleece vest, looking skinny in my oversized T, and drinking a perfectly chilled beer from my favorite letter koozie.
The Big You Wish You Had And Sorely Need
[via Daily Touch]