If you’ve ever had the “FUCK, I SHOULD HAVE SAID ________!” moment after a fight with someone, you’re not alone. In today’s technologically advanced, passive aggressive world, we’re so used to having the time to think about witty, snide comebacks that when confrontations happen in real time, we stand there looking dumb with our fingers and our thumbs in the shape of an “L” on our foreheads.
This is why I’ve compiled a list of the best movie insults of all time–because everyone knows it’s always better to have protection. All you have to do is put one of these bad boys in your pocket, whip it out at the right moment, and your fight will be over faster than you can say, “Let’s take a selfie.”
8. “Does Barry Manilow know that you raided his wardrobe?” -John Bender to Richard Vernon in “The Breakfast Club”
Insulting a person’s wardrobe is like insulting a person’s character–that shit cuts deep. The only downside to this one is that it’s contingent on your opponent wearing actual clothes (as opposed the normal college girl’s uniform of Norts or leggings and a giant T-shirt).
7. “You are a strange, sad little man, and you have my pity.” -Buzz to Woody in “Toy Story”
This one is extremely underrated, because if there is one Disney movie every guy has seen, it’s “Toy Story.” Not only will dropping this line insult his masculinity, but it will also trigger any unsettled emotions from his childhood traumas. This, obviously, leaves you with the W.
6. “I tea-bagged your drum set!” -Brennan to Dale in “Step Brothers”
If you need a fast rebuttal, this one-liner is perfect, because it’s just out of fucking nowhere. It will throw off your opponent so much that he or she will need to spend the next half hour in silence just to think about your insult, somehow trying to rationalize it. This is your cue to scream, “THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT, BITCH!” and walk away.
5. “Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?” -Ron Burgundy to Veronica Corningstone in “Anchorman”
I love this one because you can use it against a girl or a guy. The only thing is, timing here is everything. You can’t fling it out as a rebuttal like no. 6. It’s more like a “SHUT THE FUCK UP” interruption mechanism if you’re at the mercy of someone else’s screaming rant.
4. “I’d rather be his whore than your wife!” -Rose to Cal in “Titanic”
Ouch. Just ouch. Literally a verbal vasectomy. The last time I encountered that level of emasculation was when I saw an entire fraternity pledge class wear diapers for three days straight during their Hell Week sophomore year. (NOTE: huge bonus points here if you actually spit in the guy’s face.)
3. “When I dress up like a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.” -Elle to Vivian in “Legally Blonde”
Elle, you never fail to disappoint. This insult is great to use in public, because you get to call someone a stuck up, awkward bitch without the consequences of actually calling her a stuck up, awkward bitch. The more sarcasm here the better–she’ll be angry that you came up with such a creative, perfectly situated one-liner, and she probably won’t have a comeback for you.
2. “Why should I listen to you? You’re a virgin who can’t drive.” -Tai to Cher in “Clueless”
All women who can’t drive hate being told they can’t drive. All virgins who don’t want to be virgins hate being called out as virgins. Put these two together and your opponent will feel compelled to defend herself on at least one of these issues (most likely the virgin one, if we’re being honest). This will result in her going off on an unrecoverable tangent, making her look like a complete and utter moron. (NOTE: if you actually want to pull this off, it MUST be accompanied by the signature Brittany Murphy eyebrow lift.)
1. “You can go shave your back now.” -Regina George to who cares in “Mean Girls”
Now THIS, ladies, is the top movie insult of all time. Regina George is the queen of the bitches. She’s the girl we all love to hate–and not so secretly wish to be most of the time. If used on a girl, this insult is amazing, because it combines the out of left field-ness power of no. 6 with an even harsher sarcasm than no. 3. If used on a guy, this insult makes him so scared and so self-conscious that he practically turns into a mute quadriplegic. You’ve effectively word-raped him to a point where he can’t move or say another word. Either way, congratulations are in order. You win.