98 Thoughts Every Bored Girlfriend Has While Watching The Super Bowl

Super Bowl

  1. God, there better be wine at this party.
  2. I bet they’re only going to have beer.
  3. Yep, I’m just seeing beer.
  4. Not even good beer, either.
  5. Fuck that.
  6. I’ll still drink it, though.
  7. I don’t want to suffer through this sober.
  8. I can’t believe my boyfriend dragged me to this.
  9. He knows I fucking hate football.
  10. Who purposefully takes someone to a thing they’ll hate?
  11. I mean, I forced him to the farmer’s market.
  12. And that antique store.
  13. And out to brunch with my mom.
  14. But like, he likes brunch!
  15. And he loves me, so like, man the fuck up and do it.
  16. Oh my god, did someone’s girlfriend MAKE these football shaped cookies?
  17. What the fuck.
  18. Oh, yes, it was that girl. In the fucking jersey with the housewife smile.
  19. How quaint.
  20. Oh, you found the recipe on Pinterest?
  22. She’s making me look terrible.
  23. Here’s a dip I bought.
  24. I’m an awful girlfriend.
  25. Is my boyfriend going to want to dump for football cookie Pinterest girlfriend?
  26. FUCK.
  27. I’m probably getting dumped tonight.
  28. Oh well, guess I’ll load up on literally everything.
  29. Who cares about bloating?
  30. It’s not like he’s gonna wanna have sex with me and my store bought dip ever again.
  31. Bean dip? Sure.
  32. Buffalo dip? Why not!
  33. Onion rings? Gimme gimme.
  34. Is the game starting?
  35. No, it’s fucking pregame coverage.
  36. Why the fuck did we get here so early?
  37. How are those cheerleaders not freezing?
  38. They’re wearing, like, tassels and nothing else.
  39. They have such good bodies.
  40. I should probably start my spring break diet.
  41. I’ll do it tomorrow.
  42. I’ll def go to the gym tomorrow.
  43. Oh, finally, commercials.
  44. This is why I come.
  45. Aw, it’s a commercial with puppies.
  46. We should be watching the Puppy Bowl.
  47. That’s where the real money is.
  48. Is it to early to stop watching and play on my phone?
  49. I’ll just sneak a quick peek at my texts.
  50. I should also probably ask someone to take a pic of us for Instagram.
  51. Before I’ve eat all this food and look fat.
  52. That way I won’t have to FaceTune it that much.
  53. I still will obviously, but like, it won’t be that necessary.
  54. Oh, the game is starting.
  55. Fuck.
  56. He won’t drag his attention away from that.
  57. Now no one will know that my boyfriend loves me enough to drag me to a football party.
  58. Unless I put this on my snap story.
  59. Wait, I already have three pictures and a video on there.
  60. Oh well.
  61. Snaps of food. Snaps of boyfriend. Snaps of food.
  62. I’m not going to put a picture of those cookies on my story.
  63. Because fuck that Pinterest girlfriend.
  64. Is it time for halftime show yet?
  65. I seriously only care about Beyoncé.
  66. That’s why I came.
  67. No, it’s still the game?
  68. Alright, I’m getting more food.
  69. Yep, someone put out more queso.
  70. Never enough queso.
  71. Oh, here comes Pinterest girlfriend.
  72. Putting out more pizza dip.
  73. Having a beer.
  74. God, does she have to be everything?
  75. More queso for my sorrows.
  76. Is it finally time for the Halftime Show?
  77. Yes, bring on Beyoncé.
  78. I will gladly sit through any amount of sports to see Beyoncé.
  79. I bet that’s why all these people go.
  80. And now, back to the commercials.
  81. These aren’t even funny.
  82. Who came up with these?
  83. Oh, this one is cute.
  84. Oh my god, is this a video of a military homecoming?
  85. Fuck, I’m gonna cry.
  86. Yes, I’m crying.
  87. I’d worry about ruining my makeup, but I’m getting dumped for Pinterest girlfriend anyway.
  88. How long does this game last?
  89. I need another drink.
  90. How did no one think to bring anything stronger than beer?
  91. How do you watch sports sober?
  92. Oh my God, what?
  93. It’s over?
  94. We can go home?
  95. Thank God.
  96. Yes, I can’t wait to see you all (and Beyoncé) again next year!
  97. Except for you, Pinterest girlfriend.
  98. You can go to hell.
  99. Email this to a friend


    Everything you want in a sister, sorority or biological - funny, hardworking, pretty but not in an super obvious way. Essentially, a funnier Elle Woods who is constantly having a bad hair day. Questions, concerns, videos of dogs and coupons for Thai food can be sent to

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