My High School Boyfriend Taught Me
1. Chasing a guy is stupid. Once you catch him, you won’t want him anymore.
2. Squeezing it like a tube of toothpaste is not proper handjob etiquette.
3. Relationships are more than printing out and highlighting AIM conversations to analyze with your friends.
4. It’s rude to flirt with a guy in your fourth period class if your boyfriend’s buddy has that class with you. Be a decent girlfriend and flirt behind his back.
5. You can literally make out with somebody for six hours straight…or until your parents come home. Whichever comes first. (Note: this only applies to virgins. Once you’ve had sex, long-term makeouts kind of lose their luster.)
6. Semen is just as disgusting as you imagined it would be.
7. The first father-boyfriend interaction is one of the most terrifying experiences you’ll ever endure. It will keep your boyfriend from touching you for a full 45 minutes.
8. Fighting over stupid shit is a waste of time. It’s annoying that he bought the wrong cheese for your burger, but throwing a full-on bitch fit over something like this takes away from the bitch fits that matter.
9. You don’t have to say “I love you” just because you’re officially going out as of two weeks ago.
My College Boyfriend Taught Me
1. Losing your virginity is one thing. Knowing what the fuck you’re doing is quite another.
2. Codependency makes you suck. Your relationship will survive even if you’re not ignoring the people you’re with to text him. Have a little faith.
3. Never suddenly remember where you left your sunglasses during sex. They tend not to like that.
4. Excessive “babe”-ing is a serious offense.
5. Living 10 minutes away from your boyfriend is not “far.” Quit your bitching.
6. No one wants to be a doormat, and no one wants to be with a doormat.
7. Guys are very stupid. It’s all too easy to read through his Facebook messages and find out whatever you need to know.
8. There’s no “right” way to break up with someone, it will suck no matter what, but there are a lot of wrong ways — anything involving social media, another girl/guy, or a text message are some of them.
9. Just because you’re in love, doesn’t mean you should get married.
Being Single Taught Me
1. “I’ve seen bigger” is never an appropriate response, even if it’s true.
2. There is very little a guy won’t say to get you into bed, including but not limited to “I really care about you,” “When I brought you up to my mom,” “You’re beautiful,” “I don’t have a girlfriend,” and “You trying to get it?”
3. All manhoods are not created equally.
4. Going to all of his date functions does not make you his girlfriend, doing homework together does not make you his girlfriend, eating breakfast together does not make you his girlfriend, and hanging out sober does not make you his girlfriend. The theme here? Unless you both agree that you’re in a relationship, you’re not his girlfriend.
5. The “What are we?” conversation is the pseudo-relationship kiss-of-death.
6. Don’t hook up with best friends. It makes it much harder to lie to the new guy. Plus that lingering I wonder if they’re comparing notes thing is ever-present.
7. The best way to ensure a hookup is to wear your period panties and forget to shave.
8. Friends with benefits hardly ever work. Friends OR benefits, not both.
9. Being single, carefree, and independent is fucking awesome. Don’t waste it wishing for a boyfriend.
My Post-Grad Boyfriend Taught Me
1. Don’t settle because you’re tired of dating. Dating is fun.
2. Going after assholes in college was inevitable. Going after them post-grad is pathetic.
3. You judge the shit out of your guy friends for dating some bimbo who’s way too young for him. Hint: if your guy is way older than you, you’re the bimbo who’s way too young for him.
4. Sex nine times in a weekend is a thing of the past.
5. It’s not an even exchange — men don’t just suddenly hand over their commitment issues when they’re given their college degrees.
6. Husband fluffing: the struggle is real.
7. Men are even more jealous than women. There’s no need to talk about the past unless it’s leaking into the present.
8. Even though a big wallet is for women what big tits are for men,
money doesn’t really matter, he’s not the only guy out there with money.
9. Just because you want to get married, doesn’t mean you’re in love.