As the days of summer pool parties and flings with out-of-town visitors are coming to a close, it’s important to make the most of the few balmy weeks we have left. Sure, it’s nice to get a head start on your Halloween costumes and fall date ideas that you’ll drag whatever lucky boy you’re seeing at the time to, but it’s important to ~live in the moment.~ And these moments? Should be filled with hot hookups, steamy seduction, and plenty of summer romance. So, to help all the virginal ladies out there, here are a few tried and true moves you can use this season to kick up the heat on your end-of-summer romance. Be sure to use plenty of SPF because shit’s about to get hot.
1. The Snapchat Seduction
• Buy an expensive matching bra and panty set.
• Put on a full face of makeup.
• Send him multiple pictures from different angles so he remembers you exist even though he went out with his friends.
• Take a shower so your mascara runs down your face and you look like the girl from The Ring.
• Send your best friend a selfie like that.
• Realize you accidentally sent it to your guy.
• Die on the spot.
2. The One Piece Princess
• Tell him you have a new swimsuit you’re just dying to show him.
• Sure, it’s a one piece, but those are *so hot* rn.
• When he arrives, take off your robe to reveal a chastity belt.
• Tell him you’ll remove it if he removes his ex’s number from his phone.
• Repeat until he deletes her or dumps you.
3. The Role Play
• Ask him if he wants to play sexy strangers.
• Meet him at the bar and make up a fake name.
• Get mad when he starts flirting with fake you like he’s never flirted with real you.
• Ask him why he never acts like this around you in real life.
• Mope for awhile until he gets bored and just watches sports on the TV at the bar.
• Leave alone.
4. The Cooldown
• Text him saying you’re hot, and you need him to come over.
• When he arrives, hand him a bottle of aloe.
• Explain that you got a very bad sunburn and can’t reach your back.
• When he tries to hook up with you, slap him away.
• Your skin is burned raw. How the fuck are you supposed to have sex like that?
• Accuse him of only liking you for sex.
• Awkwardly watch Netflix side by side on the couch until he makes up an excuse to leave.
5. The Loveboat
• Invite him out for a boat party with your friends.
• Cuddle up next to him.
• Drink 11 vodka sodas.
• Throw up over the side of the boat.
• Makeout with your friend with the big tits for attention
• Drunkenly accuse him of checking out your friend with the big tits.
• Wake up alone in your bed the next morning, still in your swimsuit, clutching a Big Mac.
6. The Old Friend Threesome
• Seductively ask him if he’d like to add a third to your bedroom routine that night.
• When he says yes (because obviously, he’ll say yes) lead him to your room.
• Introduce him to your childhood stuffed animal, Mr. Snuggles.
• Explain that Mr. Snuggles helped get you through middle school bullying and your parents’ divorce.
• Sob while clutching him and Mr. Snuggles.
• Make him kiss Mr. Snuggles.
• Tell him you don’t mind if they sleep together that night.
7. The Rub Down
• Untie your swimsuit top.
• Ask him to rub some tanning lotion on your back.
• Makeout more than is socially acceptable at your apartment pool.
• When you get back to your place and get ready to shower together, look in the mirror.
• Notice that your back is all splotchy because he did a horrible job rubbing the lotion in.
• Yell at him.
• Ask him if he wants you to be ugly.
• Kick him out of the bathroom and be slightly cold to him the rest of the day.
8. The Passionate Night
• Go on a romantic date to a five-star restaurant.
• Tell him you can’t wait to pay him back later that night, wink wink.
• Eat the entire bread basket, most of the apps, your whole meal, and more than half of the dessert.
• When you get back and get ready to change into your “sexy outfit,” realize you look like a tick that’s about to pop.
• Pretend you got your period.
• Watch five hours of Gossip Girl instead.
• Order a pizza because, fuck it.
9. The Summer Lovin’
• Invite him over for a night of “good girls gone bad.”
• Pop in Grease and sing along to all of the songs.
• Shoot him meaningful looks at the end when they fly off together into the clouds.
• Accidentally call him Danny Zuko that night when he goes down on you.
• Have the best orgasm of your life.
Is it getting hot in here or is it just global warming?!.