Include an intellectual quote by some famous scholar.
Bonus points if they’re dead. It doesn’t matter if you just Googled it and tossed it in with no actual knowledge on the context of the quote or the person who said it. Just act like you’re enlightened, and your crush will be like, “Damn, chick’s got brains.”
Pose as if you’re doing something that you never actually do.
Commit to the picture, and people will believe anything. Of course you do yoga all the time. I’m sure you’re super into that book, that you thoroughly enjoy reading while wearing an oversized cardigan and drinking coffee. Everyone definitely thinks you frequent museums and exhibits, even though you probably have no clue what you’re looking at or how to interpret it.
Avoid eye contact.
Because you’re too consumed by all of your enlightened thoughts and charity work to bother looking into the lens, obviously. Act like you’re shying away from the camera, and no one will know that you bugged your boyfriend to take an album’s worth of snaps before you found one you liked.
Make it look like you do drugs.
No one will realize that you’re the type of girl who takes one hit of shitty weed and asks everyone if you’re “going to feel like this forever.” As long as you use the right faded filters and make an attempt to look carefree, everyone will think you’re super down to earth… even though you’re actually crazy, uptight, and generally a pain in the ass.
Use only emojis.
You’re too mysterious for words, you cool cat, you.
Have everyone you hang out with take pictures of you, all day long.
That way, you won’t miss out on any potential ‘grams. Drinking coffee? Snap a pic. Browsing Netflix? Don’t forget to purse your lips. Eating pizza? Stick your ass out just a little bit further. Endless photo ops are worth the dwindling social circle and obnoxious reputation.
t y p e l i k e t h i s
Or whatever other grammatical errors make you look like you’re a total hippie, despite the fact that you eat a shitload of red meat and didn’t vote for Obama. You want your caption to come across as if it should be sung by a chorus of angels, even though you typed it in a drunken stupor while peeing in the bathroom of the bar.
Dress like you’re going to a music festival.
It doesn’t matter that your shirt costs more than three college textbooks. A sheer kimono or lace crop top that looks like it might be made of hemp will do the job. Try to fall somewhere between Kylie Jenner and Vanessa Hudgens, and you’ll be golden. Don’t forget the sunglasses, to shield the haters and hide the fact that you’re on so many ~*drUg$*~.
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.