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8 Reasons Why You Should Not, Under Any Circumstances, Date Fraternity Men

8 Reasons Why You Should Not, Under Any Circumstances, Date Fraternity Men

Look, I’ll level with you. This article, claiming you should only date fraternity men gets a lot right–“frat guys,” if you want to call them that, are pretty effing hot. The appeal is all there. They’re well-dre$$ed, dripping with ma$culinity, and they have very fun per$onalities. Oh, did I mention that a bunch of them are pretty loaded, too? Between dues, rent, designer labels, Rowdy Gentleman gear out the wazoo, and all the nice cars and boats they (pretend to) have, that starts to add up. Girls, bag you a rich one while you can.

But dating a frat boy is not all wine and roses. Hell, it’s not even GUNS N’ Roses. Here are a few reasons why you should let these Greek cutie pies cook a little more in the oven before you sink your teeth into them.

1. You Might Not ACTUALLY Be Dating Them
Spoiler alert: GUYS LIKE TO SCREW. A lot. Lots of different people. Double fucking spoiler alert: GUYS FEAR COMMITMENT. Not sure why, I tell ’em that it’s human nature. While some guys are cool and mature and treat women with respect, most of those guys aren’t between the ages of 18 and 22. You’re a lot more mature than they are, and you might want different things than what they’re looking for. Hell, some of them might call you their girlfriend to your face and a slampiece behind your back. You either have to lay out your expectations about what you want and risk being called “too serious” or “a bitch,” or you can play their game better than they can and just lay them. Just fun, effortless sex. You can’t force it, so why even try? Are the days of tears and Ben & Jerry’s consumption worth 45 seconds of sexual disappointment? Methinks not.

2. They Have Been Around The Block
When you’re dating a fraternity man, you’re not just dating him–you’re dating every hussy he’s ever been with. Exes come crawling out of the woodwork like termites, and the Greek system at each school is usually a very small social circle. Everyone knows everyone, and thanks to the alcohol factor, everyone’s banged everyone, too. What if you find out that your “dream man” spent the last two semesters bumping uglies with that girl in that sorority you cannot STAND? IDK, betch, but that’s your problem, not mine.

3. Impressing “The Family”
Again, you’re not just dating the boy, you’re dating his 80 drunken, crazy brothers, and at least 10 to 30 of them are with him pretty much at any given time. If you’re in his house, you WILL be catcalled and whistled at. Hell, in my fraternity house, I used to sit at the piano every morning and play each girl out on her walk of shame with a jingle I made up on the spot. I’m like the asshole Josh Groban of Greek Row. What I’m saying is that it’s hard to develop a one-on-one relationship with someone who’s constantly surrounded by dudes, and there is absolutely zero privacy. You will always come second to the boys. But in a way, that’s a good thing, because you’d never choose him over your girls, would you? If you would, just go ahead and reevaluate your fucking life. You don’t deserve your friends, trollop.

4. “Two Houses, Both Alike In Dignity.”
Listen, dating between two different houses can be pretty fun. Your sisters start dating his brothers, and soon enough, your two houses are tighter than Kathy Griffin’s asshole. Forever linked, love love love, lavaliere ceremonies everywhere, guy gets on one knee with a shitload of roses on your front lawn, serenading, blah blah blah blah FUCKING BLAH. But then your sister and his brother break up. And it’s ugly. Sides are formed, lines are drawn, friendships are broken. Suddenly, you’re less “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” and more “Romeo and Juliet.”

“WHY DID YOU EVEN INTRODUCE ME TO HIM? HE’S A LYING, CHEATING ASSHOLE JUST LIKE YOUR FUCKING UGLY-ASS BOYFRIEND.” Nice going, Yente.

5. Scheduling Conflicts
You met at a mixer between your two houses? OMG, presh! But you can’t mix with his house forever, you know. By next week, you’ll have a mixer with the Deltas and he’ll be slutting it up with those whores over at Tri Mu. Those skanks–they’re all over your man and you know it. There will be jealousy and arguments about him flirting with sleazy girls when you aren’t there and vice versa, and the only way to avoid that is to just stay at home entirely and miss both of your social obligations and spend all your time snuggling in his room watching Netflix. This is a great idea if you want to turn into a ghost and see all your friends vanish, but when this boy eventually dumps you, you’ll have no friends left and you’ll have to sit with the losers and the uggos at meals. Want to not have a fun college experience? Do exactly that. Also, what if your formals are on the same night? Fuck THAT noise!

6. They Have Absolutely ZERO Discipline
Or maybe he does, but it goes right out the window as soon as his buddies show up with a handle of Maker’s Mark, a few forties, and a funnel. Want to see your handsome, charming, cute Dr. Jekyll turn into an overly-emotional, sloppy Mr. Hyde who can’t fuck? Look at that schlub. He’s got his tie tied around his head, his shirt is ripped and covered in blood, his knuckles are bruised and battered from punching a hole in the drywall, and there’s lipstick on his neck and collar. WHOSE FUCKING LIPSITCK IS THAT? Not yours! Maybe it’s yours, but you’re too drunk and forgot and you’re overly emotional, so you’re going to scream at him in front of the entire party, slap him silly, and go sob into some pizza. And trust me, everyone will talk about it the next day. Just avoid the whole mess.

7. They’re Supreme Bullshit Artists
He can turn slurred, incoherent words into “No officer, I’m not drunk, and, frankly, you don’t have the constitutional right to ask me to submit to a breathalyzer test. If you do, you’ll be hearing from my attorney/father” in about six seconds flat. It’s pretty impressive. How fast do you think he can convince you that the g-string you found behind his bed doesn’t belong to that slag from Tri Mu? He’s got those looks and that charisma and, ugh, that smile. He’ll have you eating out of his hand while he’s eating out–well, you get the idea.

8. They’re Just Not Ready For You
Sweetie, you’re in college. You’re clearly under a lot of pressure to meet the man of your dreams RIGHT NOW. Your parents did it, your grandparents did it, and shit, your big and little are probably both engaged to oil millionaire heirs, so you think the pressure is on. Well guess what? IT’S NOT. Do not settle for anything less than you think you deserve, and do not just go find a boy and try to turn him into the man of your dreams.

Remember that Princeton mom who told girls that they need to “marry smart,” because they’ll never meet a group of men as good as the ones they’re surrounded by? Take a hike you old, withered bag. You DESERVE to have fun once you graduate. When you get a job, date a hunky coworker. Date your boss who’s 10 years older than you. Let the cute barista ask you out. Let guys buy you drinks. You don’t have to give up the best years of your life just because you think you need to be married and starting a life with someone else already. Nope–because that’s the quickest way to get divorced. Besides, these guys aren’t nearly mature enough for you. Date someone older, someone who’s got a job and a savings account and a car (or at least an unlimited bus pass) who earned it all on his own.

You never get these years of your life back, so live ’em up, betches. A bogus ring that your beau had to use his parents’ money to buy has NOTHING on hooking up with Alicia Keys’ guitar player at a club. Or maybe even hooking up with Alicia Keys herself. And Swizz Beatz. That’s a sandwich I’d LOVE to be the meat in. Drooooooooool.

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Stefon

New York's Hottest Club is wherever I am. Haters to the front, hunky Sailors to the back. Bow down betches. Follow this bitch on Twitter @StefonTSM StefonTSM@iCloud.com

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