8 Hilariously Accurate Descriptions Of Alcohol As Your Boyfriend

Alcohol boyfriend


Oh tequila, you naughty, naughty boy. There’s just something about him. You know it’s wrong, but as soon as you see him, you instantly think “maybe this time things will end differently.” But they never do. You always end up dancing on tables, crying in the corner, and waking up hungover with the taste regret in your mouth. Or is that vomit? Whatever. Despite your love for him, you have to accept the facts: Tequila only likes you when you’re naked. But honestly? We’ll never learn.


Your gin guy is super hot, has ahhhh-mazing hair, and is totally metro. Sure you’ve made out plenty of times, and that fact that he’s usually fruity and smooth makes him the perfect PIC. The only downside is that you’re 99 percent sure that he (and any guy who drinks gin) is gay, but that’s okay. He’s always there to help out when you’re lonely and want to feel pretty so like, it works.


Wine is the rich, older gentleman who takes a liking to you. He doesn’t frequent clubs too often, and is totally down for hanging out at home and “cuddling.” The relationship starts out classy enough, but once he takes off that expensive packaging and you toss back a few more sips (okay glasses), you get horny, fuck him, have an emotional cry, and wake up the next day with a dull throb of regret. You’ll always love him, and you’ll always go back to him when you’re in the mood, but you know that in the morning light he’ll never treat you exactly how you want him to.


Fireball is the hot exchange student you seek out when life gets dull. Well, you think he’s an exchange student. You don’t really know, but whenever you want to feel exotic, you reach for him. He looks good, tastes even better, and has a way of making your clothes literally fall off. Whenever you hang out with him, you know it’s going to be a crazy night. Sure, you don’t get together often, but when you do, it’s always hot, sexy, and spicy.


Scotch is the dream. He’s sophisticated. He’s rich. He’s classy AF. Scotch will bring you to a ski lodge and “make love” to you by the fire. Scotch will give you a giant walk-in closet and fill it with designer shoes and handbags. Scotch will provide you the stability to never work again. Sure, most of us don’t end up with scotch, but hey, a girl can dream.


Champagne is the fun loving guy who celebrates everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. It doesn’t matter if it’s an engagement, a breakup, or a random Thursday. Champagne is ready to make things exciting. You honestly don’t know him that well, and you can only handle him in small doses, but he’s always a lot of fun. Sure, you’ll regret him with ever fiber of your being in the morning, but a night with champagne is a night you’ll remember. Or not, actually.


Vodka is the go-to guy. He’s been there for you from the start, and he gets you like no other alcohol does. Being with Vodka is like being with an old friend – it just works. Sure, he’s not the most exciting, and every now and again you dream of something a little more thrilling, but at the end of the day, vodka is the drink your marry. Vodka is forever.


He wears letters. He has a team. He’s sporting the dad bods of all dad bods. You don’t want to marry a beer guy, but the best thing about them? They usually grow up into something classier. And hey, if not, at least you know that there will always be an endless supply of them. Sure, he may taste (and look) like dirty garbage water, but if worst comes to worst, at least you won’t die alone. Or sober. 

Cheers to the best relationship status there is: Drunk.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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