If there’s one skill that any self-respecting girl has mastered, it’s the fine art of stalking. Not like “park down the street from his frat house and watch his comings and goings” stalking (although no judgment if that’s your thing), but the “I can find out everything about your high school girlfriend in under three minutes, with only my laptop and a WiFi connection” stalking. Sometimes this skill comes in handy – I mean, do you really want to date a guy that thought Sperrys were acceptable dress shoes for last year’s formal? But sometimes stalking can cause more harm than good. Maybe your ability to know everything about him is making it hard for you to move on from a guy that’s clearly moved on from you. Or maybe you’re in danger of fucking up a new relationship because you’re constantly paranoid about those tweets from his cute chemistry lab partner. So if your need for knowledge is more harmful than beneficial, here are some methods to get you past the craving.
1. Work It Out
If this is your ex, looking good is the best revenge, right? And if it’s a new guy you’re interested in, feeling good about yourself will only make you more appealing. So instead of spending the next hour looking at the pictures of him at his 8th grade graduation, hit the gym and look at the “calories burned” number on the treadmill instead.
2. Have A Code Word
I can text my friend Lindsay the word “Snickers” at any time and she’ll show up at my door with a bag of fun-sized candy bars and confiscate all of my electronics until the stalking impulse passes. Because that’s what friends are for.
3. Sleep It Off
Whenever there is something I want to avoid, I find that hiding in my bed under the covers is an effective avoidance tactic. The same applies for things I shouldn’t do, like eating a whole gallon of queso or clicking on that girl that made a flirty comment on his Instagram picture. Plus, who doesn’t need some extra beauty sleep?
4. Let’s Make A Deal
I make bargains with myself all the time. Work out for an hour? I can have a cookie when I’m done. Read one chapter for class? I can binge watch four episodes of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt before I need to read the next one. Resist the urge to check out every girl he mentions in his Twitter feed? Mani-pedi time!
5. Shop ‘Til You(r Stalking Urge) Drop(s)
Every time the urge strikes to type his name into the search bar, type in the name of your favorite designer instead. Your credit card will feel the pain, but at least you’ll still have your dignity intact…and a new handbag or two. Or twelve.
6. Pick A Meaningless Target
You know how sometimes (read: all the time) you just want a pizza and no matter what else you eat and how full you are, you still want pizza? Occasionally, stalking works the same way. Sometimes, you just want to Internet creep on someone, and no other activity will do. But instead of stalking someone who matters, try scouting out someone who doesn’t. That cute guy in your Philosophy lecture that you think may be gay, but you would still totally sleep with? Now would be an excellent time to find out what his cousin’s best friend’s sister is up to on Facebook.
7. Quit What You Can’t Control
I’m the first one to admit that I have absolutely zero self-control. Whether it’s around a cheese and cracker plate or a shoe sale, I have no willpower whatsoever. And the same applies to stalking a new guy or an ex online. So finally I had to accept that the only way to stop the stalking madness was to quit. Now, obviously I couldn’t quit all forms of social media, but I took a pause and realized the outlet making me the most crazy was Snapchat. Who is that girl in his story? What exactly is he doing during “guys’ night”? WHO THE FUCK IS THAT GIRL IN HIS STORY? So when all other tactics fail, just delete the app that makes you the most nuts – trust me, it’s kind of freeing..
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