In what will come as a shock to absolutely no one, I am single. Not just a little bit single. Like very single. Like I think I have the same chance of becoming president of the country as I do getting a boyfriend. My life is just a constant carousel of trying out different dating apps until I realize they’re not working and I delete them all off my phone.
One piece of advice I’ve heard over and over, though, is something I haven’t really committed to. Bettering myself. “Stop focusing so much on finding a man. You need to just focus on yourself. On making YOU happy.”
People suggest it all the time, and I’ve always been like LOL! But I like being a lazy piece of shit! But it occurred to me, if I make myself better then more guys will like me, and I will probably get a boyfriend. For myself!
1. I will commit to fitness.
Obviously bettering yourself involves a healthy, nutritious diet, and tons of exercise. A happy consequence of this is that you get really skinny, and hot, and toned, which is something that guys like! Also, I hear that lots of guys go to the gym, so if I am at the gym, I might better my chances of meeting them. I also need to do a lot of yoga, because the mere mention of it makes you picture me in yoga pants. And I also want to make sure I’m nice and bendy. For myself!
2. I will start a hobby.
One of my least favorite questions is “what are your hobbies?” Like, I don’t fucking know. Who has hobbies?! THIS GIRL. Not yet, but I will. I’ll transform myself into the type of girl that a guy might be attracted to, through an activity like rock climbing, or hiking. This is awesome, because I’ll A) have something to say when the hordes of new boyfriends ask me what I do for fun. And B) I’ll have a new activity that will help me make new friends who will either become my boyfriend or introduce me to a boyfriend. For myself!
3. I’ll focus on my career.
Sort of! I’ll focus on maintaining the status quo! Everyone knows that guys hate powerful women and that “dragon ladies” are thought to be harsh, and cold, and always get cheated on. I’ve seen movies, hello! I’ll continue to work just hard enough in my chosen field to remain employed forever, but not so much that my promotions or successes will outweigh those of a partner. For myself!
4. I’ll update my beauty routine
My current day-to-day beauty routine is this: I wake up 30 minutes late, run into my closet, grab the first thing that doesn’t make me hate my body, throw my greasy hair into a bun, wipe off residue makeup from under my eyes, and voila! I’m ready to go.
But no more. I’m going to start shopping at least monthly so I have the most up-to-date wardrobe. I’m going to wake up an hour and a half earlier each day, because the ~new me~ doesn’t need sleep. She needs time to do my hair and makeup every day, so I always look my best. Look good, feel good, they say. And plus, I’ll always look amazeballs just in case Mr. Wonderful is around the corner. (Plus, that extra time in the morning will allow me to seamlessly transition into a life with someone, where I have time to poop in the morning while he’s still asleep.) For myself!
5. I’m going to start volunteering.
This is essential to feeling fulfilled in life. Giving back is what it’s all about. Plus, it makes you sound like a good person when you start dating boys! I’d love to do something volunteering with children, but the only guys who volunteer with kids are pedos, so I’ll probably do something like habitat for humanity, even though I’ve never held a hammer in my life. I’ll be so cute and feel really fulfilled when I’m sweating and building a house for someone I’ll never meet. And sure, someone will probably need to redo all my work, but that someone just might be a hot guy! And who cares if I do a good job. I’m doing this for myself!
6. I’m going to read more books.
I’m not really sure why people who read books are better than people who aren’t, but they are. Everyone knows that. John Waters once said, “If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em!” Do I want to be somebody that people don’t want to fuck? Hell no! So I’m going to start reading more books and people (especially guys!) will think I’m smart and interesting. I don’t think that Amy Schumer’s “The Girl With The Lower Back Tattoo” counts, so if you have any suggestions on books I should read that make me seem datable, please let me know! For myself!
7. I’m going to watch the news.
Yes, I spend most of my day on social media, so I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of the ongoings in the world as they relate to me, but watching the news every morning, like twelve hours after I read everything on Twitter? That’s self-improvement! That sounds smart! That’s not vapid! And that’s a way to make guys think I’m not an airhead! For myself!
Once I’ve fully focused on bettering myself, there is no way a guy won’t want me! It’s a perfect plan and I’m excited to go on this journey. For myself!.