You drink an obscene amount of booze in college. Some good, some really terrible, and some you won’t even remember. Like any normal 18-22-year-old girl, I’ve partaken in my fair share of libations. My palate has become more refined with every frat party and bar tab. At this point in my college career, I’m like a sommelier of cheap, shitty alcohol. I’m passing along my knowledge of the “complex” flavors in these drinks to help you make the best choice for your night of debauchery, and pairing them with the drunk food that makes them taste even better.
Sunset Blush Wine
This pink concoction has notes of strawberry and powdered Kool-Aid, with a hint of expired apple juice. Calling it wine is a real stretch of the imagination; it’s more like fruity jet fuel. It has a smooth finish and cough syrup aftertaste. This wine peaks in flavor when shared with five of your closest girlfriends and their baggage. Pairs best with lean cuisines and frozen burritos. Be warned, the hangover that follows a night getting drunk off this stuff will make you want to kill small animals and children.
On the nose are whispers of regret and rohypnol. Just kidding, you can’t smell those. Best served room temperature in a trash can that you hope was never used for actual trash, but if you’re drinking this stuff you don’t really care either way. It tastes like someone dropped a single Jolly Rancher into a five gallon drum, added some 100 proof liquor and called it a day. Pairs best with whatever sludge you drunkenly order at a Taco Bell at 4am. Doritos Locos tacos, quesadillas, it doesn’t matter. It’ll all come back up in about an hour.
Crisp with notes of green apple and citrus florals. This wine is light, refreshing, and cheap with a high alcohol content, which is all anyone could really ask for in a wine. It has a smooth finish on the palate and gives you a hangover that doesn’t totally suck. This is the MVP of wines. All-around top performer, even your boyfriend would be secretly happy to have a glass with you. If you don’t get the 1.5L bottle, you’re a disappointment to your mother. Pairs best with Pinterest meals you whip up for the ‘gram likes.
Crystal Light and Vodka
You’re broke and this is your last resort. Heavily iced and drunk through a straw, it’s not THAT bad. Okay, it’s that bad, but at least it’s better than vodka and water. Reserved strictly for pregaming, this mixed drink is reminiscent of sneaking vodka into the dorms freshman year. It has notes of innocence, lemonade on a cool summer day, and throwing up from alcohol for the first time. The mouthfeel is about as disgusting as the word “mouthfeel.” Just chug that shit and find a nice man in a Hawaiian shirt to buy you drinks at the bar. Pairs best with fettuccine alfredo frozen dinner. Trust me.
First off, respect. If you’re drinking light beer, you’re probably at a frat party and the punch is probably gone and the pledges are too stupid or drunk or both to make another batch in a timely manner. Imbeciles, all of them. A girl’s gotta do what she’s gotta do to get her drink on, so you pick up an ice cold brew from the trough. Take a sip. Gag, because it actually takes like frozen piss water. Repeat until gone. There’s literally nothing of substance in light beer, so just drink as much as you can stomach. It’s “light” beer, so it’s fewer calories, but they’re boy calories so don’t drink too many unless you want to walk around the rest of the party with a beer baby. Pairs best with the Taki’s you found in some guy’s room while he was making you a real drink from his personal stash.
Champagne (under $10)
Let’s be real, you’re only drinking this because it’s fun to pop the cork. Fair warning: if you buy the cheap stuff with the twist off cork, that pop is so weak it sounds less like a celebration and more like a sad apology. It’s dry and bubbly with an apple cider vinegar flavor, heavy on the vinegar. Tastes a lot like reality stars who never got very famous but like to remind you that they were on MTV for one season. It tastes so processed and sour that it makes you question if the makers of champagne swapped out grapes with spoiled fruit. Champagne is impossible to chug because of the carbonation, so it’ll take longer to get drunk off this stuff. Best served with orange juice in a mimosa, because who in their right mind would want to drink this poison by itself?
Disgustingly sweet, moscato is the patron wine saint of sorority girls everywhere. It’s made of sugar and spice and everything nice, but mostly just a fuckton of sugar. If the flavor of this drink was a person, it would be that annoying friend who raises her voice an octave with every drink she ingests, and by the end of the night her voice is so high that only dogs can hear her screeches. It has notes of acidity and a fruity finish, but the sugar packs a punch in the form of a hangover the next morning. Pairs best with a salad, as most of your daily caloric and sugar intake will be in this drink. .