Like many other double X chromosome carriers, my transformation from a cute, little girl into an awkward, pimply preteen began with the arrival of the twin peaks. However, unlike the other girls in my grade, I bypassed the mosquito bite stage and was already sporting an impressive pair of sweater stretchers by my freshman year of high school.
1. Your boobs are HUGE.
Uh, obviously. If you haven’t already noticed, they’re attached to me. Seriously, I don’t see why this is seen as an acceptable conversation starter. You don’t see me commenting on your anatomy (even though your eyebrows could definitely use some work).
2. What cup size are you?
I’m not sure if I know, honestly. Last time I checked, they were somewhere between “too big to fit into any cute bra ever manufactured” and “unable to wear V-neck T-shirts without looking suggestive.” It especially bothers me when guys ask, just because I’m pretty sure the only cup sizes most men are aware of are “small” and “DD.”
3. Have you ever thought about working at Hooters/Twin Peaks/other breastaurants?
Have you ever thought about working at any place that hires humans, because, you know, you’re human? Yes, I’ve considered it. However, I haven’t yet reached a point in time that would require me to use my bosom buddies for tips. Yet.
4. Does it hurt to work out?
Actually, no. After years of having my boob-quakes come close to measuring on the Richter scale while running, I pride myself on having finally mastered the art of the “uniboob.” For those wondering, one normal bra + one sports bra + one tight, spandex top = immovable boob pancake.
5. Where do you buy bras and swimsuits?
It depends, really. On the rare occasion I find something in-store that actually fits, I usually have my credit card out at the counter before even taking it all the way off. Unfortunately, most of my bra shopping happens online or in specialty stores, where the designs are sometimes harder to look at than the astronomical amounts on the price tags.
6. Can you wear a strapless bra?
Yes, but it’s not always a pretty sight. Most girls can brush off a bra malfunction with a quick trip to the bathroom to readjust, but not those of us on the big titty committee. And forget about going au natural–I have more side boob in one ta-ta than most girls have period.
7. I wish I had your boobs!
Hell yes, you do! Well, in all seriousness, being well endowed comes with its perks and its droops. (Ha, get it? Breast humor!) Instead of worrying about filling out the top of a dress, I spend my time trying to make my dresses look as unprovocative as possible. It’s alright though, because when I do find something that flatters me, those puppies look like a million bucks.