1. Chronic Bitch Face
Overview: A person afflicted with Chronic Bitch Face has a look of disdain at every moment humanly possible, especially when deep in thought. Others often confuse this type of resting face with being “mad about something” or “not feeling well.” She is hard to approach, but surprisingly not as angry as she appears.
– Straight mouth, pursed lips
– The look of the devil in her eyes
– Drooping and/or jutting of the jaw in a look of disgust as if to say “Seriously?”
– Tension of the browline such that wrinkles may begin to form
– The general look of a cutthroat, hardcore bitch
Treatment: The only way to break a bitch face girl of her bitch face is to tell her a joke, say that she’s pretty, or remind her that her homicidal look is scaring off all the cute boys at happy hour. Whatever you do, do not remind this girl of her condition. She can easily go from resting bitch face to real bitch face, and no one wants to deal with that. Trust me.
2. Ugly Crying
Overview: When a girl is afflicted with ugly crying, she can’t help but cry in a way that makes everyone around her believe a two-year-old is within a five-foot radius. Her face becomes, well, ugly. Those affected by this illness include Kim Kardashian, the famous “Leave Britney alone!” YouTube guy, and the llama from Emperor’s New Groove.
– Immense exaggeration of frown lines
– Wailing like an idiot interrupted by brief spasms of sucking in air as if she’s drowning in her own tears
– Showing of the teeth in a very unbecoming manner
– Eyes clenched shut as if to pretend what’s happening is, in fact, not real
Treatment: Ugly crying is, unfortunately, untreatable. The only way to prevent this affliction is to avoid crying, which requires staying away from Merlot, bad-boy types, and future mothers-in-law.
3. Food Impregnation
Overview: This affliction is caused by the rapid consumption of Chipotle, sushi specials, or pizza at 3:00 am. While the girl affected looks as though she has been pregnant for two months, she has probably had no action, whatsoever, for about six. Single ladies, holla if you feel me.
– Protruding of the stomach with the likeness of a “baby bump”
– Pressure in the abdomen as if she’s about to hurl
– Rubbing of the stomach in a congratulatory manner but also to delay the act of moving from her seat
Treatment: The best way to combat a “food baby” is to lie in bed watching Netflix and moaning until the pain subsides. Then, take a nap. (Okay, she doesn’t really need to take a nap, but you know she’s going to anyway.)
Overview: This condition is a slow progression starting from a young age that begins with the belief that Daddy’s credit card is limitless. She plays off her obsession with shopping by claiming that all her clothes are “out of style” or she’s going to “start a fashion blog.” Once she’s a full-on shopaholic, those once infrequent, small purchases become numerous, designer items that take over her life (read: bank account).
– Never-ending fear of logging on to her online credit card accounts
– Winning best dressed at every formal event
– Never having enough closet space
– Friends frequently asking to borrow her clothes and accessories, often turning to violence when items go missing or become damaged
Treatment: Get a higher credit limit. “Daddy???”
5. Selfie Addiction
Overview: A selfie addict is completely incapable of understanding social media etiquette. She believes that the repetitive posting of oneself is liberating and demonstrates one’s own worth as depicted by the number of likes each photo receives. While everyone else at the bar is enjoying each other’s company, you’ll often find this girl smiling into the front-face camera at the end of her new selfie stick.
– Having all social media accounts consumed by pictures of herself
– The need to take a picture with everything and everyone
– Often faced with the difficulty of having to delete photos from her phone in order to take new ones
– Continual Facebook messages from single guys she went to high school with
Treatment: If not treated, this girl will one day become one of those annoying parents on social media. Unfortunately, her friends will probably never have the balls to tell her the truth, and she’ll go on living a life addiction.
6. Perpetually Late Disorder
Overview: This disorder is characterized by the inability to be on time for literally anything ever.
– Arriving to class with greasy or wet hair
– A general disheveled look
– Disdain for anything that happens in the early morning
– Always arrives at the party at the perfect time
Treatment: While there is no cure for this ailment, the disorder can be moderated with the help of bossy parents, multiple alarms, and an understanding boyfriend.
7. Unexpected Pregnancy Anxiety
Overview: A girl with this form of anxiety is known to have heightened levels of adrenaline released around the time of an expected menstrual cycle. This release of excess adrenaline is often related to the belief that one is pregnant (AKA her life is over).
– Crying some more
– Swearing to never forget to take her birth control again
– Asking repetitively, “Why me?”
– Contemplating which baby dresses to buy and suicide
Treatment: Stop worrying. Her period will start in a few hours—just like it always does.
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