While watching The Bachelorette season finale the other night, I found myself consistently checking my phone for a text from my own current bae-du-jour. As I was repeatedly faced with my lock screen and the time staring back at me, I started to think about the concept of The Bachelorette. “Maybe I should stop being so pessimistic about it,” I thought. “They’re clearly having better luck than I am.”
Then a commercial came on and I snapped back to reality and realized something. Kaitlyn is literally breaking up with a guy and getting engaged to another guy WITHIN FIVE MINUTES. I’ve been known to be “crazy,” some might say, but this is another level of crazy psychopathology that Chris Harrison has somehow made look normal. The longer I thought about it, the more I realized there’s only one possible explanation for how Kaitlyn is okay with this: she is a mental patient, along with all other previous Bachelorettes. Here’s why:
1. They’re going on a show to find their husband, and consequently letting millions of people know everything they are doing with everyone. I thought the girl who posts a selfie every day was attention-seeking (no, it’s not to show your new glasses, Jessica, it’s because your boobs are out and your hair is perfect today). But these girls on the Bachelorette literally want details of their lives and hookups being posted about on Facebook, Twitter, and magazine covers for any perv at CVS to read.
2. They have to deal with people like Ian from this season, who couldn’t even fathom the idea that the Bachelorette might not be into him. Did Kaitlyn not hear he was a track star in college?! Do his glory days mean nothing to her!?
3. You have to be polite to people like Ian, or risk being called trashy because God forbid you call a guy out for being a huge douche. Anyone who voluntarily signs up to deal with guys like this, knowing that they can’t legally kill them, must be in anger management. Red flag, am I right?
4. You’re surrounded by wine all day, while pitted between 25 men, going on back to back first dates, and are somehow not supposed to show up completely shit faced to the rose ceremony. No real human being has that much self-control. I can’t even go on one first date without first having a pregame with me, myself, and Moscato.
5. Your season can be dubbed the “season of controversy,” if you sleep with someone, despite being 28 years old. “How DARE Kaitlyn,” yelled moms who lost their virginity at age 16.
6. You never know what ABC will pull for higher viewing ratings. Like this season, where they thought it’d be a good idea to have two bachelorettes. Just when Kaitlyn thought she was in control of who she ended up with, she had to compete with another girl to get to have 25 guys compete for her. “Say compete one more time”- Gretchen Weiners.
7. You think you’ve found a husband after two months. TWO MONTHS. One of which was spent dating ten or more OTHER guys. To whom does this sound like a logical, sound plan for finding a husband? Insane asylum patients, that’s who.
Until ABC announces that they’ve been paying girls millions of dollars, paying for the entire (soon-to-fail) wedding, providing childcare for any future children, and supplying the couple with endless personal assistants and a mansion of their own, I have no choice but to believe that anyone who voluntarily signs up to be the Bachelorette is clinically and psychologically insane. Best of luck to you, Sean..
Editor’s Note: The views expressed in this column do not describe the cute sorority girl photographed. She just happened to meet the Bachelor and could not help but to throw what she knows.