7 Foolproof Ways To Fail At A Long Distance Relationship


Being in a relationship is hard. Being in a long-distance relationship is even harder. Without the comfort of just hanging out on the couch, bonding over eating takeout in bed, or having makeup sex whenever you get into a fight, an LDR is tricky. It’s not for everyone, but the couples who make it out claim that it makes them stronger than ever. But you know. They’d never fucking want to do it again. If you’re in a long-distance ~love~, just got out of one, or pray that you’ll never be in one, here are some handy tricks to make sure you destroy the shit out of your relationship.

Constant Communication

You know what they say. “If you’re not talking 24/7 are you even in a relationship?” If more than an hour goes by without hearing from him, you have the 100 percent right to blow his phone up until you get an answer. Text him about nothing, just to make sure he’s always staring at his phone instead of at the dumb girls who may or may not be in his vicinity. Ask him what he’s up to every few hours and if he doesn’t answer immediately, tell him that he obviously don’t care about you or your relationship. Text bombing is always good, and talking about your bitchy frenemy is a great way to pass the hours when he’d rather be doing literally anything else. Bonus points if you guilt him for wanting to get off the phone and actually, you know, live his life.

Always Know Where He Is

There are a few ways to do this, but you need to make sure you do one, if not all. First, obviously, turn “Find My iPhone” on for his phone, and have the password. Check in on his whereabouts hourly. Also, have him tell you what he’s doing at all times. This goes hand-in-hand with constant communication, but always know what his plans are. What’s he doing after class? What bar is he at? Who’s there? Are there girls? Make him Snapchat you to prove it. If he’s hanging out with someone, he better tell you first. And if he does something without asking your permission first (yes, that includes going to play video games at his dumb friend’s house) then you not only have the right to scold him like a child but you better. How else do you plan to train him? By treating him like an equal? Lol.

Skype Date/Phone Date Every. Single. Night.

Some people are fine with a simple “goodnight” text in a relationship. You’re not one of those people. Obviously. Every night should be a permanent 3+ hour Skype and/or phone date. Call him on your way home. Facetime him while you’re making dinner. Skype him to watch Netflix and fall asleep to the glow of your Macbook and his snores and/or grunts as he tried to masturbate the loneliness away. Your Friday nights, not to mention entire weekends, should be spent in front of a screen, staring at each other in a little camera, and asking “how was your day” over and over and over until you die.

Have Lots Of Restrictions On Each Other

The first rule of being in an LDR is making sure you have rules. There are the basic ones, like don’t hook up with anyone else and maybe just have him keep you in the loop of his life. But then there are the pro ones. Like, he can’t go out to bars. He’s not allowed to talk to girls, or text them (even though it’s just for the Econ notes and even though she’s a lesbian in a committed relationship). He needs to text you the second he wakes up, and he needs to have excessively long conversations with you before going to sleep (please see tips 1-3). No parties. No alcohol without you (because alcohol leads to sex with strangers, duh), and no canceling any one of the zillion “dates” you have where you lay on the bed and have the same conversation for the 1,000 time.

Make Him Jealous

While he has lots of restrictions, you want to make sure you’re still living your life. If he’s not on his toes, he’s not going to keep you in his heart. Post an Instagram of you hugging some random guy so he knows that you could totally leave him if you wanted to. When he asks what you’ve been up to, make up some ridiculous story about meeting a Hemsworth and being totally swept off your feet. Flirt with his friends on the internet and send him Snapchats of you at bars being flocked by guys. Trust me, LRD boyfriends just love competition!

Get Into Petty Texting Fights

The only thing better than text him pointless things is getting into pointless texting fights. Make sure to pick a time when he’s either studying, going into work, or just having a really great day. Basically what you want to do is get mad about something absurd (like he said he didn’t think he’d be able to Skype as long tonight because he has a big test tomorrow that he needs to do well on), be passive-aggressive about it for a little while (“K.” “It’s fine.”), and then let all hell break loose. Send him fifteen-text-in-a-row-novels. Insist that he doesn’t love you. Ask if he even cares about your relationship. The longer you can drag out the emoji fight, the longer you’ll stay together, or something like that.

Be Completely Unreasonable

And above everything else, just make sure you’re unreasonable in everything he does. If he doesn’t visit you enough. If he doesn’t send you flowers “just because,” even though you never hinted that you’d be interesting in that sort of thing. If he doesn’t make you feel like a damn princess every second of every day and if he doesn’t text you so many times your phone runs out of storage and if he doesn’t send to hand written letters with locks of his hair in them — make. him. feel. like. shit. Think of your boyfriend not so much as a “person” but as a puppy, or a piece of property. Everyone knows the only good way to have an LDR, is to make sure the distance never feels quite far enough.

Happy breakups!

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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