Or he did text you back, but it was a one-word, bullshit response.
“K” is literally worse than nothing.
Break up with me before you send me “K,” K?
He did a double take of the girl with obvious implants who was crossing the street.
And then when you called him out on it, he said he was “checking out the traffic.”
LOL, okay. That’s not what he was checking out.
He gave you carnations.
Even though it was 100 percent a rose situation.
He has an ex-girlfriend.
And for all you know, she still exists on Earth.
He looks weird in selfies, and he isn’t trying to fix it.
“Can you just…not smile like that?”
And he totally doesn’t understand the concept of “cute pictures.”
He asked if you were going to a funeral the day you wore a black dress to class.
And the time you wore a hat with it? He asked if you were in a coven.
Which made you wish you were in a coven so you could put a spell on him for being a fucking idiot.
He has a Snapchat. And is friends with girls on it. Because, why?
When the cashier asked if the food was together or separate, he hesitated and looked at you.
So you panicked, said “together,” and took out YOUR OWN credit card.
AND HE DIDN’T STOP YOU.
And then he seems to think that your food is actually his food.
He didn’t wash his hands after peeing and promptly came over to caress your face.
Because yes, his ball-scented hands are exactly what you wanted on your pores. Thanks.
When you said that you wanted to lose three pounds, he said “okay.”
You don’t say “okay” to that unless you plan on never getting laid again.
He used that tone.
He wouldn’t watch The Notebook with you, but promptly turned on Too Fast Too Furious 17: East Atlanta Revenge.
He ate your leftover Chipotle.
Because he’s a fucking monster and doesn’t understand what “I paid extra for guac, don’t touch this” means.
He liked a girl’s picture on Instagram.
And yes, she was in a bathing suit.
He doesn’t have a cute nickname, picture, or personalized ringtone for your contact information on his phone.
He went out with “the guys.”
And despite your subtle hints, you were not invited.
He didn’t understand what “don’t get my hair wet” meant.
He’s in complete denial that small dogs are actually still dogs.
Because no, a small dog is not a rat. Or a virus. Or an insect. It’s a dog.
And LOL at cats.
He doesn’t accept cats as a life form, despite the fact that you own one.
He changed his profile picture and you are no longer in it.
He grew a soul patch.
He asked if you were on your period after you got upset about something.
Because bleeding out of your vagina explains why you’re angry at him for forgetting your anniversary?
Also, he forgot your anniversary.
He tried to fix your problems when all you wanted to do was complain about them.
“Yes, I know I should just stop hanging out with Alex if she’s being a bitch, but I didn’t want you to actually tell me that.”
He got bored listening to you talk and just started staring at your boobs instead.
I mean, thanks, it’s flattering. But not right fucking now.
He asked you to get him a beer the second you finally sat down to relax.
He exhaled rudely.
Or decided to become a mouth-breather.
He didn’t make you his #WCW.
Or he did, but he posted that picture of you when you were hungover on spring break.
Yeah, the one with the double chins and regret.
He wanted to go out after you said you wanted to stay in, and so you had to decide between going out and being miserable or staying in and having major FOMO.
Yeah, he put that evil on you. And so you went out. Because, effing FOMO.
He wore cargo shorts to an event where cargo shorts should not be worn.
And that’s every event, ever.
He went to Hooters.
He gave you unsolicited cooking advice.
And no, adding bacon does not make everything taste better, dear.
You said that you were fine and he thought that literally meant that you were fine.
“I’m fine” does not mean “I’m fine.” What is this? Amateur hour?
He doesn’t understand that you annoy him because you love him.
And despite the fact that he also annoys the shit out of you, you wouldn’t change a single thing about him. That’s what makes your relationship so special: the ups, the downs, the laughter, and the tears. It’s the imperfections that make you so #blessed to be with him, and no matter how many times he changes the channel when you’re watching Say Yes to the Dress, you still love him to the moon and back..
Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.