64 Reasons Why He’s Your Ex


  1. You were never in his profile picture.
  2. And if you were, it was one where he looked better than you.
  3. He called you “babe.”
  4. Or “bae.”
  5. Or “sugar tits.”
  6. And you’re pretty sure he said his ex’s name in his sleep that one time.
  7. He liked Taylor Swift.
  8. And not in an ironic, “her songs are kind of catchy” way.
  9. He went to the gym more than you.
  10. And he’s always asked you to go on active dates like running, or mountain climbing, or getting off the couch.
  11. He was still friends with his ex-girlfriend on Facebook.
  12. And despite what your friends tell you, you have this sneaking suspicion that she might be prettier than you.
  13. He took selfies.
  14. And he posted them.
  15. On Monday and hashtagged #MCM.
  16. He asked if his pants made him look fat.
  17. His CARGO pants.
  18. He wouldn’t share his Netflix password because he was the actual devil.
  19. Flowers? What are those?
  20. He never wanted dessert.
  21. And when you did get some, he’d make you share it.
  22. Like you couldn’t handle that piece of chocolate cake all by yourself.
  23. He never texted you back.
  24. Or he texted you twenty-seven times in a row like the stage-five he really was.
  25. “Babe.”
  26. “Where are you?”
  27. “Baby?”
  28. “Ur so hot”
  29. “What are you doing?”
  30. “Are you with boys?”
  31. “Here’s a picture of my partially erect penis surrounded by untrimmed hairs.”
  32. Yeah. He would send you dick picks when you didn’t ask for dick pics.
  33. Okay, you never asked for dick pics but still.
  34. He said that he liked blondes.
  35. You’re not a blonde.
  36. He asked if he was the biggest you’ve ever had.
  37. He wasn’t.
  38. He wouldn’t let you add guac when he bought you Chipotle.
  39. His hobbies included: shotgunning beers, acting like farmers markets were hell, and Snapchatting girls you hate.
  40. He didn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re” and it was both confusing and embarrassing.
  41. The funny thing about returning the favor when it came to oral is that he didn’t.
  42. And he had no idea how to navigate a vagina.
  43. Or a relationship, for that matter.
  44. He made you call his penis by its name.
  45. Because yes, he had named his penis.
  46. He introduced you as his “friend” to his parents.
  47. JK, he never introduced you to his parents at all.
  48. His mom did his laundry.
  49. And when she didn’t, he’d asked you to.
  50. Which meant sorting his skid mark underwear from his suspiciously crusty socks.
  51. He would take off his pants before taking off his shirt.
  52. So you’d have to look at his penis poking out like a small, unattractive, turtle head.
  53. He complained about how many bobby pins you left at his apartment.
  54. Like the bobby pins were destroying the vibe in his room.
  55. And yes. He used the word “vibe.”
  56. He acted like he had actually invented protein.
  57. And he would always suggest that you two squat together.
  58. Football? Yeah. He made you watch that shit.
  59. And he would quiz you about the game, like you weren’t a a person with a vagina who hated all types of balls.
  60. He grew a soul patch.
  61. Eating in his car was off limits.
  62. As was putting your feet on his dashboard and turning off his horrible music.
  63. He would order you a beer even though you hated beer.
  64. He just didn’t realize how pretty, funny, charming, popular, nice, fun, outgoing, silly, cute, sexy, nurturing, smart, and humble you were.

Whatever. His loss.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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