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62 Reasons Why You Are Actually Single

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It’s not him. It’s you. Seriously.

  1. You make boys watch romantic comedies with you.
  2. Boys like going to Adele concerts, right?
  3. You ask your boyfriends where they are all the time.
  4. When they don’t answer, you keep asking.
  5. Again. And again. And again.
  6. You talk about your diet. A lot.
  7. Taylor Swift is your spirit animal.
  8. You say the phrase “spirit animal” around a guy.
  9. You talk about your ex nonstop.
  10. You talk about his ex nonstop.
  11. You talk about the fact that you’re single.
  12. You’ve never cooked for him.
  13. You’ve never picked up the tab.
  14. You look through his phone, Facebook, and computer history.
  15. You stalk your exes more than you try to meet new people.
  16. You don’t watch “Family Guy,” “South Park,” or “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”
  17. You only do missionary.
  18. You’re a bitch.
  19. You don’t drink beer.
  20. You have a problem with him watching porn.
  21. He knows how many kids you want after the first date.
  22. You post selfies.
  23. You have put, “Living with my bitches #live” as a caption on a photo.
  24. You have a cat.
  25. You talk about your cat.
  26. All the time.
  27. You said the wrong name in bed.
  28. You share wedding posts on the reg.
  29. You add a loooooot of extraaaaa lettersssssss to worrrrdssssss
  30. You’ve quoted “The Real Housewives” on more than one occasion.
  31. You don’t have big boobs.
  32. You have big boobs and show them to everyone.
  33. You don’t have big boobs and you always talk about how you wish you had big boobs.
  34. You don’t “return the favor.”
  35. And FIY, spitters are quitters.
  36. You share posts about loving the single life or not needing a man.
  37. You slept with him on the first date.
  38. You slept with his best friend.
  39. He doesn’t like “Frozen.”
  40. He likes “Frozen” more than you.
  41. Your drunk persona is an emotional crier.
  42. Your sober persona is an emotional crier.
  43. You listen to One Direction.
  44. You say “like,” like, wayyyy too much.
  45. You love him. So much. After a week. And told him.
  46.  You talk about “The Bachelor.”
  47. You triple text him.
  48. You “pin” wedding things and leave it up on your computer for him to see.
  49. You have stuffed animals on your bed.
  50. You don’t let “boys’ nights” exist.
  51. You don’t let things go.
  52. You act like a mom and basically wipe his ass.
  53. You don’t eat carbs and neither should he.
  54. You talk about your future husband to him.
  55. You talk in a baby voice.
  56. You don’t shave your upper thighs. Like, you aren’t fooling anyone.
  57. You told him he had a gross penis.
  58. He does, but still.
  59. You’re a gluten-free, fifteenth-level vegan who needs everyone to know that you’re a gluten-free, fifteenth-level vegan.
  60. Nagging is your second language.
  61. You could never love anything more than puppies, pumpkin-spiced lattes, or frat tanks.
  62. You haven’t met the perfect guy out there for you yet. You know, the MAN with tons of money and abs for days, who volunteers at an animal shelter and makes perfect (fat-free, carb-free, gluten-free, vegan) enchiladas. I hear he’s out there, just waiting to meet you, but only if you stop wasting time on guys with Greek letters as opposed to letters of recommendation. But, I guess you have to kiss a few frat stars before you find your doctor, or something like that.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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