Despite what you see in the media, boys won’t actually decorate a gingerbread house with you.
Or Christmas cookies.
And if you suggest it, they’ll look at you like you asked them to chop off their own balls.
It’s decorating a fucking cookie, not castration.
You don’t have to deal with the awkwardness of engagement ring commercials when watching television with your boyfriend.
Because what? Do you watch the commercial like it’s no big deal? Like marriage is the furthest thing from your mind? What even is marriage? (LOL, marry me?)
Do you make a joke about holy matrimony and that the commercial is soooooo cheesy? (Lies.)
Or do you flee from the room as fast as you possibly can without looking back?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
It’s not like boys enjoy taking pictures in front of Christmas trees.
You should consider it a success if you can actually get him into a red or green shirt.
Don’t even dream about getting an ugly sweater on that man-child. You’ll just be disappointed.
He won’t go look at Christmas lights with you, okay? He just won’t.
And yes, it’s very, very sad.
You still have to pretend like you give a shit about his fantasy football team. The gig isn’t up–yet.
Have you ever tried to shop for a boyfriend? It’s actual torture.
They don’t know what they want, they don’t like anything, and they don’t care what you get them. So, like, thanks for the help.
If you get them a shirt, you’re lame.
If you get them alcohol, you’re a cliché.
Sure, they’ll take a blow job, but you have enough to swallow this holiday season already.
He’ll probably go home for the holidays, so you spend your Christmas wondering why the fuck he hasn’t texted you yet.
It’s 8 a.m. Who isn’t up at 8 a.m. on Christmas morning to wish their girlfriend a happy holiday?
Boyfriends who aren’t getting blow jobs, that’s who.
Despite your hundreds of hints concerning what gift you want, he’ll manage to ignore each and every suggestion and “get creative.”
This will involve something much cheaper, uglier, and in no way your style.
Or he spends way too much money on your gift and makes you look like a complete dick for getting him a $25 Target gift card.
But, like, it’s the gift that lets you make your own choice, you know?
When he goes home for the holidays, he’ll be in the same vicinity of his skanky high school girlfriend.
And what if she dresses like a slutty Santa at a party and he makes eye contact with her?
THE HOLIDAYS ARE NOT A TIME FOR EYE CONTACT WITH EXES.
It’s basically impossible to have sex at your house with your entire family there, so it’s not like you’re going to get any.
He will not get you a gift for every single night of Hanukkah.
So it’s totally awkward that you got him multiple gifts for all eight nights.
Boys don’t even know the words to “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”
So there goes your dreams of having an adorable, sexy singalong.
He’ll be too embarrassed to kiss you under the mistletoe for a picture.
Or he’ll be completely gross about it and shove his tongue down your through while simultaneously grabbing your ass and groping your tit.
And no filter can make that look classy.
A boyfriend makes your annual holiday tradition of hooking up with the hot guy from your high school basically impossible.
Oh, you want to cuddle and watch a holiday film? He’s totally down for that.
JK. Instead, you get to watch the same action-thriller movie with the “hot girl” who you’ve seen a million times. Somehow, it hasn’t gotten old yet.
Having a boyfriend means you don’t have the opportunity to make out with handsome strangers at holiday parties.
And under mistletoe.
And in the back of his car after drinking too many apple cider-Fireballs.
If you’re tied down, you can’t use Tinder lines such as, “You can come down my chimney tonight, big guy.”
New Year’s Eve is a night meant for accidentally making out with your best friend and complaining about being alone.
Having a boyfriend just puts way too much pressure on the whole thing.
Will he give you a good kiss at midnight? A halfhearted one? Do you try to selfie it? Have someone else take the picture?
And if you do have someone take the picture for you, you have to accept the fact that the friendship will be over, because that person will hate you. True story.
He’ll think his mom’s Christmas cookies are the best, even though EVERYONE knows that
your mom’s are actually the best. At least if you’re single, you don’t have that slight hope that he’s going to get down on one knee and pop the question.
And yes, if you have a boyfriend, no matter how casual, that annoying thought is in the back of your head, so every time he goes to tie his shoe, you gasp like an idiot.
“Oh, no…I didn’t think you were proposing…I just developed asthma. At this exact moment.”
He’ll be home for, like, a month, and honestly, Skype sex is even worse than it sounds.
Being single means you don’t have to put up with his family dinners and the awkward questions about grandchildren.
And what birth control methods you use.
And being informed that when his mother was your age, she had a husband and two children.
Because it’s not like you’re trying or anything.
You can eat as much as your want without a boyfriend wondering how you gained 10 pounds in a month.
You don’t have to worry about the fact that eggnog, while delicious, makes you extremely gassy.
And finally, you get to enjoy all of your time, money, and baked goods with yourself, and that, my friends, is the true gift of being single during the holidays.
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